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Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Dan Oblinger
Read between
August 6 - August 25, 2020
listening-empathy-rapport-influence-behavior change
process for engaging
One of my go-to open-ended questions is no question at all. “Tell me about…”, works in almost any situation where you want to know more about anyone or anything.
“If you were king for a day, what would you change?”
“What’s wrong with next Tuesday?”
“I noticed you did this. Why did you do it that way?”
Don’t ask gotcha questions
“What happened tonight to bring us here?”
“Please tell me what happened.”
“If you were in charge, what would you do?”
“How did this happen?”
“It seems like you are sad today.”
large donut shape. The ring of the pastry is “Emotions” and the donut hole is labelled “The Story”.
As a criminal interviewer for fifteen years, I learned to use an intentional pause whenever someone told me a whopper. Instead of creating a confrontation, the silence creates pressure.
Reflecting is simple. It is the process of recognizing significant words that other people use. By merely repeating these words back in the form of a question, a master listener can encourage the speaker to explain the meaning or importance of these key terms.
Reflecting is useful to prevent misunderstanding. It is not parroting. We use this technique to discover the meaning of words, not to blindly repeat them hoping our definition matches theirs.
This application of paraphrasing can be called “soften and rephrase” when the other person is using negative, emotional language.
“I feel hopeful when you start asking about your options, because it means you’ll make a better decision!”
“Tell me about school today!”
“Tell me about the best thing that happened at school today!”
“Tell me about the worst thing that happened at school today.”
“You look exhausted…” or “I know school can be tough right now…” plus “…tell me about your school day!”
