But It's Your Family . . .: Cutting Ties with Toxic Family Members and Loving Yourself in the Aftermath

by Sherrie Campbell

The family scapegoat becomes what therapists call the “identified patient,” or IP. According to Virgina Satir, renowned family therapist and author, “Identified Patient is a term used in a clinical setting to describe the person in a dysfunctional family who has been subconsciously selected to act out the family’s inner conflicts as a diversion; who is the split-off carrier of the family disturbance.”8 In other words, the scapegoat is the bad kid, the one who often suffers from eating disorders, poor grades, rebellion, poor attendance, illness, depression, and anger. Scapegoats are blamed for all the troubles in the family because their bad behavior is putting everyone else under so much stress. Ultimately, as the scapegoat, we are the symptom bearers of the family, acting out all the family’s dysfunction, and then our family members scapegoat us for it. Scott Peck shows that toxic parents have to have a scapegoat because, in their own hearts, they consider themselves above reproach, which causes them to lash out at anyone who criticizes them. More often than not, once the identified patient starts treatment, the clinician usually discovers that the source of the problem does not lie with the child but with the parents. The child is not found to be as sick as his or her parents. Although the parents have identified the child as the one in need of improvement, it is usually they, the identifiers, who need the treatment. The parents are the ones who should be the patients. P...

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