Five Feet Apart

by Rachael Lippincott

I grab my copy of Java Coding for Android Phones off

Love girls who code

“What would I do without you?” I ask. She winks. “You’d die.”

He’s so cute, my lung function feels like it dropped another 10 percent.

“Lighten up, Stella,” I say, sauntering to the door. “It’s just life. It’ll be over before we know it.”

If I’m going to die, I’d like to actually live first.

I’ve seen his type in the hospital more times than I can count. The careless, Braveheart type, rebelling in a desperate attempt to defy their diagnosis before it all comes to an end. It’s not even original.

Mr. “Death Comes for Us All” didn’t want to die.

“She’s fighting for her life,” she finally says, meeting my eyes in the glass. “She doesn’t know what’s ahead of her or why she’s fighting. It’s just . . . instinct, Will. Her instinct is to fight. To live.” Instinct.

“I’d say let’s shake on it, but . . .”

“Newsflash. Girls can code.”

He thinks I’m crushing on Will. Crushing on the most sarcastic and annoying, not to mention infectious, boy I’ve ever met.

His voice is deep. Soft. I know in that moment, even though it could not be more ridiculous, that if I die in there, I won’t die without falling in love.

Death. That’s what I am. That’s what I am to Stella.

I know in that moment that this “little thing” between us isn’t over. It’s just starting.

I take a deep breath, nodding. Cystic fibrosis will steal no more from me.

“It happened so long ago, sometimes it feels like I’m just telling someone else’s story. Another person’s life that I’ve memorized.”

I attempt to hold the door open for her, which is apparently very tricky to do when you’re holding a pool cue and need to be five feet apart at all times, but I’m a gentleman, dammit.

“But she died alone, Will,” she says, which is something that I can’t deny. “But we all die alone, don’t we? The people we love can’t go with us.”

“Do you think drowning hurts? Is it scary?” I shrug. “That’s how we’re going to go, isn’t it? We drown. Just without the water. Our own fluids will do the dirty work.”

“I think about that very last breath. Sucking for air. Pulling and pulling and getting nothing. I think about my chest muscles ripping and burning, absolutely useless. No air. No nothing. Just black.”

“God, you’re beautiful. And brave,” I say. “It’s a crime I can’t touch you.”

“Your lips,” I say, feeling the dangerous pull of gravity between us, daring me to kiss her.

We smile at each other, and even though there are a million reasons why I shouldn’t, looking at her now, I can’t help feeling like I’m falling in love with her.

“If this is all we get, then let’s take it. I want to be fearless and free,” she says, giving me a look, daring me. “It’s just life, Will. It’ll be over before we know it.”

“You scare me, Stella.” I look up at him, frowning. “What? Why?” He looks into my eyes, his voice serious. “You make me want a life I can’t have.” I know exactly what he means. He shakes his head, his face somber. “That’s the scariest thing I’ve ever felt.”

He’s holding a scroll and quill, the words “Will’s Master List” written on it. And below, a single item. “#1: Love Stella Forever.”

“People in the movies are always saying, ‘You have to love someone enough to let them go.’ ”

“The only thing I want is to be with you. But I need for you to be safe. Safe from me.”

“I will love you forever,”

I take a moment to memorize his face, every inch of it, and finally I force my eyes shut as sobs rack my body, fighting with the ventilator. He’s leaving. Will’s leaving. When I open my eyes, he will be gone.

“We need that touch from the one we love, almost as much as we need air to breathe. I never understood the importance of touch, his touch . . . until I couldn’t have it.”

Will. It’s really him. He’s sick, but alive. We both are.

I’m practically a different Stella. Except for one thing. I smile at him, and take just that one more stolen step, until we’re five feet apart.