Idiot: Life Stories from the Creator of Help Helen Smash

by Laura Clery

Reaching your potential is fucking scary.

The instructor at the Jewish Senior Center was an ex-con named Ralph. He was covered in tattoos and had this brash New York accent that cut through the typical soothing yoga effect quite a bit. His teaching method was to bark orders at us. “ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE, WE’RE GETTING IN SHAVASANA, CALM DOWN. CALM DOWN.”

But I suppose bravery is not being unafraid, it’s being shit-your-pants-scared-out-of-your-mind and doing the damn thing anyway.

A huge principle of AA is forgiving everything and everyone. Resentments are our number-one offender. If you hold on to your anger, it will take you out.

I arrived at the party. It had a theme: “Dress the Way Your Parents Did When You Were Born.” You might think this theme is oddly specific, but the last party was themed: “Wear an Outfit to Symbolize the Last Text You Sent”; and the one before that was “The Battle of 1812.”

You’re an artist. You make art. Stay in the action and out of the results.”

if I don’t have that self-worth inside me, I won’t survive the day that the likes stop coming and followers stop caring. If you don’t have this strong sense that you’re enough regardless of the external situation, then content creation is such a dangerous business to be in. One day you’re popular with strangers, and the next day you’re nothing to them. If you define yourself by how others see you, then suddenly you’re nothing to even yourself.

Stephen and I walk a mile and a half down the hill from our house and back again. Yes, I power walk in the suburbs every morning just like your mom. For the first fifteen minutes of the walk, I do breathing exercises to get centered. For the second fifteen minutes, I make a list of everything I’m grateful for. Stephen and I usually alternate. I say “I’m grateful I’m sober today,” and he says “I’m grateful for our one-eyed dog,” and so on. It puts us in a state of gratitude, which is a really easy way to make yourself feel good, even if you’re in a bad mood. Then after that, we do fifteen minutes of visualization, where we list all the goals and hopes we have for ourselves as if they are already happening for us. “I’m so happy and grateful that we have an animal sanctuary.” Then the final ten minutes is visualizing what you want to accomplish for the day as if it’s already happened. “I’m so grateful that I finish shooting two videos and I start a script for tomorrow.”