The Happiness Project: Or, Why I Spent a Year Trying to Sing in the Morning, Clean My Closets, Fight Right, Read Aristotle, and Generally Have More Fun

by Gretchen Rubin

This exchange led me to an important insight into how to manage myself better. I’d been self-righteously telling myself that I did certain chores or made certain efforts “for Jamie” or “for the team.” Though this sounded generous, it led to a bad result, because I sulked when Jamie didn’t appreciate my efforts. Instead, I started to tell myself, “I’m doing this for myself. This is what I want.” I wanted to send out Valentine’s cards. I wanted to clean out the kitchen cabinets. This sounded selfish, but in fact, it was less selfish, because it meant I wasn’t nagging to get a gold star from Jamie or anyone else. No one else even had to notice what I’d done. I remember talking to a friend whose parents had been very involved in the civil rights movement. “They always said,” he told me, “that you have to do that kind of work for yourself. If you do it for other people, you end up wanting them to acknowledge it and to be grateful and to give you credit. If you do it for yourself, you don’t expect other people to react in a particular way.” I think that’s right. Nevertheless, for all my talk of giving up gold stars, I have to admit that I still thought it would be nice for Jamie to hand them out a bit more lavishly. Whether or not I should want them, I do.

My desire for gold stars continues, I must confess! I always want to get a gold star. In fact, in the podcast "Happier with Gretchen Rubin," which I co-host with my sister Elizabeth (spoiler alert: it's about how to be happier), we have an entire weekly segment called "Demerits and Gold Stars." We take turns giving ourselves a happiness demerit one week, and doling out a gold star the next week. Sometimes we give gold stars to other people, and sometimes we give them to ourselves. Now that I've come up with my "Four Tendencies" framework, I wonder if my desire for gold stars is tied to being an Upholder. Perhaps partially, at least. But I think Questioners, Obligers, and Rebels also enjoy getting gold stars. It has been reassuring to hear from so many readers that they too struggle with the greed for gold stars.