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October 9 - October 10, 2022
Between 18 months and 3 years, children realize that their identity is separate from their parents’ and they begin to desire more autonomy. At the same time they begin to say “no,” they begin to use the personal pronoun I.
When limits are not consistent, toddlers will keep testing them to see what we decide today. If they find it works to nag or melt down, they will try again. This is called intermittent reinforcement.
Toddlers are not giving us a hard time. They are having a hard time. I love this idea (attributed to educator Jean Rosenberg in the New York Times article “Seeing Tantrums as Distress, Not Defiance”). When we realize their difficult behavior is actually a cry for help, we can ask ourselves, How can I be of help right now? We move from feeling attacked to searching for a way to be supportive.
Toddlers need time to process what we are saying. Instead of repeatedly telling our child to put on their shoes, we can count to ten in our head to allow them time to process our request. Often, by the time we get to eight, we’ll see them start to respond.
Charlotte and her toddler gap
At home, we can give them freedom to choose what they want to wear (as long as it’s appropriate for the season), the freedom to make their own snack (as long as they sit down to eat), and the freedom to express themselves (as long as they do not hurt others or objects in the home).
Through independence the child learns how to be responsible for caring for themselves, others, and the environment.
Tracking the movement from left to right is indirect preparation for reading.
If we want their cooperation, we are well advised to go slowly. This means practicing not saying, “We’re late again!” every morning. We will stress them out. They will resist. We will be even later.
When we allow enough time in our daily routine, we can help children help themselves. For example, we can let them get dressed at their own pace. That doesn’t mean allowing unlimited time, but it might mean allowing ten to fifteen minutes while we sit on the floor with a cup of tea nearby, so we can relax and enjoy the process of helping our child learn to get dressed.
Look at the process, not the result. Focus on our child’s effort by describing their effort. “You made big circles.” “I see you mixed these two colors.”
Toddlers want to feel significant, they want to feel like they belong, and they want to be accepted for who they are. If we understand this, we can move away from doing battle with them or being triggered by them, and move toward being able to guide, support, and lead them.
Instead of thinking that our child is trying to wind us up by poking out their tongue at us and then laughing, we can look from their perspective. They are testing out a new sound, seeing our reaction, and figuring out cause and effect. Again, let’s observe and see if they stop all by themselves. Or we may come up with something else that is okay and say something like “I don’t like it when you poke your tongue out at me, but we can go and tumble on the carpet over here.”
“Are you trying to tell me . . . ?” is a useful phrase for translating the toddler’s needs into words.
Instead of always leaving the eldest in charge, for example, while we are in the bathroom, we can get children to look after each other, regardless of their age. We can make sure that younger children also take on age-appropriate responsibilities rather than leaving everything to the eldest.
“If you’ve told a child a thousand times, and the child still has not learned, then it is not the child who is the slow learner.” —Walter B. Barbe
Each time we are challenged by our child, we can see it as a teaching opportunity for us and a learning opportunity for them.
The child is not in charge, but they can have input into how to solve problems. We can ask, “How can we solve the problem?” and then come up with solutions together.
Try using just one word. “Shoes.” Again the child needs to figure out what they need to do on their own, giving them some control in the situation.
Let’s say they do not want to have their diaper changed, they are throwing their food, or they won’t leave the playground. Then we acknowledge their feelings. But we take action. We are the leader—a respectful leader.
If I had needed to leave quickly that day, I would have helped him get dressed using my hands as gently as possible and calmly applying the sportscasting technique mentioned earlier: “Are you having a hard time getting dressed? You can dress yourself, or I can help you. I see I’ll need to help you. Yes, you are pulling your arm away. You don’t want to put it in. I’m gently putting your T-shirt over your head. You are trying to push it off. Thanks for telling me that this is difficult.”
“When everyone has calmed down, any damage should be addressed. Thrown items can be picked up, torn papers gathered and discarded, or pillows stacked back on the bed or sofa. Adults may offer to help a child with these tasks. It may also be appropriate to help your child repair additional damage, such as a broken toy . . . a very real way to learn about making things right.” —Jane Nelsen, Positive Discipline: The First Three Years
If they are still young, we can model it for them. “Let’s go and see if our friend is okay.” “I’m sorry my child hurt you. Are you feeling okay?” Modeling is more effective than forcing them to apologize if they don’t mean it, having them mutter “Sorry” under their breath, or having them say it in a sarcastic tone.
If we start to get uncomfortable about something our child is doing, we can step in early to set a kind and clear limit without losing our patience or shouting. Or perhaps at first we feel okay with something they are doing but then notice we are starting to get irritated. It’s not too late. We can say, “I’m sorry. I thought I was okay with you throwing the sand. I’ve changed my mind. I can’t let you throw the sand.”
If we run out of time, we can say something like, “You really want to get dressed by yourself, and it is time to leave. I’m going to help you put the last things on.”
I love this analogy from a fellow Montessori teacher. When a baby pulls themselves up to standing, falls down, stands up again, and then falls down, over and over until they master it, we think it is cute. When our child is learning to use the bathroom and they pee on the floor or poop in their pants, they are also practicing until they master it—except there is pee and poop.
Imagine that our partner comes home one day and says that they love us so much, they are going to get another partner, in addition to us. The new partner is going to sleep in our old bed and use our clothes, and we are going to share everything with them. I think many of us would be furious and feel very jealous. So it’s not surprising that a new addition to the family can have a huge effect on some children.
Our role is to support both children, keep them safe if needed, and help mediate so that both parties take responsibility. We see things from both perspectives and give them just as much help as they need.
Use a notebook. I always have a few notebooks to write down things I think of when I am playing a board game with the children or running one of my classes. It’s written down for when I can look at it at a later time. I “process” the notes later, leaving my mind free to be present.
“You wanted someone else to help you. And I’m helping you today.” Remain calm, gentle, and confident.
“You two are having a hard time with each other. Let me know if you want me to help.”
When we become parents, we begin to realize how the current education system is failing our children. We see an educational system that was built for the Industrial Revolution to train factory workers, where children sit in rows and memorize facts to pass tests.
