Vacuum in the Dark

by Jen Beagin

“The dirtiest thing was the inside of the microwave,” Mona said. “Which, by the way, is best cleaned by wetting a sponge with lemon juice and water and then microwaving the sponge for two minutes. The acid and steam loosen all the food. You wait for the sponge to cool and then you wipe everything down.”

The best vacuum on the market, hands down, was the Miele Titan canister. Best book-dusting tool? A shoe-polishing brush. To clean grout, Maria Maria liked to flood the tiles with bleach and go at the grout with an electric toothbrush.

“There’s a place between straight and gay,” Mona said, “and it’s a very real place, but most people think it’s an imaginary place. Some fake, slutty island or amusement park.”

“Hey, the best way to remove soap scum is to lather the tiles with the same soap that produced the scum.” “Really?” Terry said. “For extra buildup, mix it with Comet or something abrasive,”

“Now I’m going to polish the faucet with Windex and a dry rag, which is the only way to get it really shiny and perfect. Always, always use a completely dry rag on reflective surfaces, Terry.”