Tongue Tied: Untangling Communication in Sex, Kink, and Relationships

by Stella Harris

Saying what kind of notice you need for scheduling a date is ultimately about you. But things tip over into being controlling when you’re making rules about what a partner can do or how they can use their time. If instead of saying you needed notice for dates, you said, “You can’t take that weekend trip with your friends because I’ll be lonely without you,” that isn’t a boundary anymore, that’s exerting control. Controlling behavior often works to isolate people from their friends and family, and is one of the red flags to look out for in an abusive relationship. “Controlling behavior can start small, such as dictating someone’s schedule or whereabouts, but can morph into abusive dynamics when the power imbalance increases. Some of the signs of this include the use of manipulation, coercion, threats, or verbal or physical harm to enforce the power imbalance. Every member of a relationship must have the right to give feedback, seek compromise, set personal boundaries, and express thoughts and feelings safely. One of the reasons we seek to exert control is as a way of managing anxiety, insecurity, fear, or loss. When we can identify those underlying feelings or needs we can be more effective in communicating boundaries, wants and needs with our partners. This can prevent us from using other tactics that can cause harm to our partner and the relationship as a whole. Someone’s love for you, or commitment to you, does not preclude them from engaging in abusive behaviors to get ...