Tongue Tied: Untangling Communication in Sex, Kink, and Relationships

by Stella Harris

“A study at Rosalind Franklin University of Medicine and Science, led by Lise Eliot, has found that the hippocampus is the same size in both men and women. The team’s discovery came from a meta-analysis of more than 6,000 structural MRI scans, which showed that there was ‘no significant difference in hippocampal size between men and women.’ The discovery also counters many popular explanations of the differences between men and women. ‘Sex differences in the brain are irresistible to those looking to explain stereotypic differences between men and women,’ said Eliot. ‘And they often make a big splash. But as we explore multiple data sets and are able to coalesce very large samples of males and females, we find these differences often disappear or are trivial.’ ” —FROM A WIRED ARTICLE BY EMILY REYNOLDS

“The best measure of the health of any relationship is the quality of the communication in it. Every single thing that we can’t or won’t talk about, openly and without fear or shame, is a crack in the relationship’s foundation.” —FRANKLIN VEAUX AND EVE RICKERT, MORE THAN TWO

So what does good communication in a relationship mean? It means when you speak you feel heard. It means each person in the relationship has empathy for their partner, and everyone has both their own and the other person—or people’s—well-being in mind. It means feeling safe bringing up your feelings, fears, wants, and desires. Knowing that when you speak up you won’t be criticized, judged, or shamed. That you have a safe space to share what’s going on with you, and that you’ll truly be listened to and understood.

We need to listen without planning how we’re going to respond. And we need to listen with kindness and empathy. It’s the only way to build strong and lasting relationships.

“The idea of choice in relationships is key in any relationship structure. Monogamy is considered automatic and the ‘normal’ way of being in a relationship. But I believe all relationships would benefit from actively choosing to be with one another within whatever relationship structure works for those particular partners.” —RENA MCDANIEL, PRACTICAL AUDACITY

No matter how much talking you do, there’s always a chance that a boundary will be crossed at some point. If that happens, have a conversation about why it happened. Was the boundary unclear or unknown? Was someone acting out because they don’t think the boundary is fair? Only by figuring out why it happened can you address the real problem.

Boundaries are about taking care of ourselves. Every time you feel uncomfortable or upset, it’s a chance to learn something about yourself, and perhaps to learn about a boundary you need to set.

We always have to filter for folks who are a good fit for us.

Saying what kind of notice you need for scheduling a date is ultimately about you. But things tip over into being controlling when you’re making rules about what a partner can do or how they can use their time. If instead of saying you needed notice for dates, you said, “You can’t take that weekend trip with your friends because I’ll be lonely without you,” that isn’t a boundary anymore, that’s exerting control. Controlling behavior often works to isolate people from their friends and family, and is one of the red flags to look out for in an abusive relationship. “Controlling behavior can start small, such as dictating someone’s schedule or whereabouts, but can morph into abusive dynamics when the power imbalance increases. Some of the signs of this include the use of manipulation, coercion, threats, or verbal or physical harm to enforce the power imbalance. Every member of a relationship must have the right to give feedback, seek compromise, set personal boundaries, and express thoughts and feelings safely. One of the reasons we seek to exert control is as a way of managing anxiety, insecurity, fear, or loss. When we can identify those underlying feelings or needs we can be more effective in communicating boundaries, wants and needs with our partners. This can prevent us from using other tactics that can cause harm to our partner and the relationship as a whole. Someone’s love for you, or commitment to you, does not preclude them from engaging in abusive behaviors to get ...

It’s important that we give our partners a chance to meet our needs before getting upset that they haven’t magically done it.

Building and maintaining a sexual connection that meets everyone’s needs is also a shared goal that can be a priority in a relationship. Prioritizing that connection can mean setting aside a certain amount of time for intimacy, or committing to trying and learning new hobbies or new ways to connect. Treating it like an exciting, ongoing exploration is a wonderful way to prevent sexuality from getting stagnant, and to make enough space for experimentation with which you can find new things you enjoy. And this is another area where the journey is (at least) half the fun. We don’t want to set goals that are difficult to meet. Instead, we want to make the process the goal.

Hoping for one person to meet all your needs for support, comfort, and entertainment is unrealistic. Sometimes, there are times when processing with your partner isn’t the right choice, so having a strong network of friends you can talk to is essential. But all too often people can fall into a happy relationship bubble, especially early on in the romance, and can end up neglecting their other connections. When that happens and then you hit a rough patch, you may realize you don’t have as many people to reach out to as you once did.

The best course is for everyone in a relationship to keep working on themselves and making the choices that are best for their own personal growth. In this way, even if your paths are slightly different, you can keep supporting each other’s progress.

Some people like to talk things through, at length, whenever something comes up. Other people are considerably less verbose. While a certain amount of communication is absolutely necessary for a relationship, there are still many places on the communication spectrum where people can fall. That doesn’t mean either person is doing it wrong, but it could mean they aren’t a great fit for each other.

Relationship Escalator: “The default set of societal expectations for intimate relationships. Partners follow a progressive set of steps, each with visible markers, toward a clear goal.”

We want to build trust in relationships, not undermine them. And this kind of game playing is guaranteed to teach your partner that they can’t trust you with their real feelings and desires. And although pretending might work for a little while, it’s ultimately unsustainable. Instead of playing games, think about what you want to know and then find a direct way to ask. And when you do that, be ready for the real answers.

The fact is, someone is choosing to be with you. And the reasons we choose partners can be complex. Most of us aren’t just shopping for the biggest penis, or the biggest boobs, or the person who can make the best lasagna. So comparing yourself on just one point doesn’t really take in the whole picture. Try questions like these instead: “Can you tell me something you enjoy about our sex life?” Or “Can you tell me what your favorite thing is about being with me?” Be sure to preface questions like this by saying you’re feeling insecure, or that you’d like some reassurance.

Things that might go mostly unnoticed when we’re happy with a partner and with a relationship can become a much bigger deal when we’re harboring larger concerns or irritations. So pay attention to what’s getting under your skin, and if you catch yourself sweating the small stuff, take some time to see what’s really going on.

Our culture villainizes terms like neediness and selfishness. But it’s vital to know what your needs are and to express them. There’s no shame in having needs. We all have needs. And a lot of the time you must put yourself first. It’s your job to get your needs met. However, the fear of being labeled needy or selfish often keeps us from asking for what we want from our partners.

We need to take responsibility for our own needs and desires and ask to get those needs met. And we have to make it safe for our partner to do the same.

We can also get into lots of trouble assuming we know what a partner wants from a sexual or kinky encounter. We’re so prone to comparison that it’s easy to hear a partner’s stories of their past encounters and assume that’s what they want from us. But what if what they like about us is the very fact that we’re different? Launching into a kind of sex we assume they want can go sideways very quickly. It can blow past boundaries and even consent, and potentially reopen past traumas.

Whenever possible, start off on the right foot by being honest with a new partner from the very first encounter. From the first time their hand touches your body to the first time you kiss, get in the habit of giving feedback.

“Having sex” can become shorthand for a particular routine you’ve gotten used to. And if one or both people are tired of this routine, they might start saying no to sex. But it’s very possible that a reworking of what sex means, and what it looks like, can make for more frequent, and better, sex.

If you’re the one proposing something, head off confusion and misunderstanding by painting as clear a picture as you can, right from the get-go. Rather than saying, “Would you like to try some kinky stuff?” ask, “How would you feel about bending over my lap to get spanked with my hairbrush?”

When someone opens up about their sexual interests, they’re making themselves vulnerable to you. And it’s your responsibility to listen to them in a way that does no harm. You don’t have to be into what they’re into. You don’t need to do the thing with them. But you do need to avoid shaming them, or embarrassing them, about their desires.

When can journaling be useful? Journal after dates, to work through your feelings about the person. Were there red flags? Were there things you were excited about? Questions you want to ask next time? Journal after sex, or kink play, to keep track of what worked for you and what didn’t. Keep track of your favorite parts so you can ask for them again, and the things you weren’t crazy about so you can modify them in the future. Journal when difficult feelings come up. When you’re feeling anxious, or jealous, or insecure. See if you can track what happened to trigger these feelings. Can you find a pattern over time?

couple things happen when you act confident, even when you don’t one hundred percent feel it—you convince your audience, and you begin to convince yourself.

The first step to addressing negative self-talk is to notice that it’s happening. It’s kind of like noticing yourself breathing or blinking (you’re doing it now, aren’t you?). Once you’ve noticed it, it’s hard to stop. So now I bet you’ll catch yourself the next time you have a negative thought about yourself. And that’s great! Once you’ve noticed that it’s happening, you can interrupt the thought. The next step is to acknowledge that the feeling is real and valid, but not objective reality. Your fears are normal, but they won’t necessarily come to pass, and the way you see yourself likely isn’t the way others see you. Take as long as you need at this step to get in the habit of catching and interrupting these thoughts when they happen. Then, when you’re ready, start replacing the negative thoughts with positive ones. This is the trickiest part, but there’s good news—even if you feel silly, or don’t entirely believe the new positive statements, they’re still effective.

Sharing the good things, and keeping your friends informed of the balance of your relationship, will also help them give better advice, or at least be a more neutral listener, when you do need to lean on them. If they only ever hear the negative, they might not understand why you’re in the relationship, or be tempted to suggest you end things.

Whether you’re in a long-term relationship and you want to change things up a little or you’re young or new to dating and just want to get off on the right foot, it’s never too early—or too late—to prioritize your sexual expression and enjoyment.