I'm Fine and Neither Are You

by Camille Pagán

I leaned back in my chair to escape the cloud of his coffee breath.

The perfect statement describing most of my teachers growing up.

But something between us had shifted over the course of our marriage, particularly the last two to three years. We had gone from being lovers to best friends to . . . roommates who routinely irritated each other. If I was honest with myself, that was what it felt like most of the time.

It didn’t matter if none of it mattered. It had to be dealt with all the same.

I ultimately decided I did not believe that Jenny’s problems had canceled out every good thing in her life or her ability to enjoy them.

If you’re not happy, make a change.

So true. We often choose the path of least resistance but that only keeps what is to be persistent. We can only change by seeing what we want and taking action.

But I still could.

Yet if she complained about Matt, I sometimes teased her and said most wives would give their left foot for a difficult spouse like him.

We agreed it was more important to be a good person for the present moment than as a means of building up some sort of karmic credit.

“But for the record, I don’t think addiction should be a secret.”

Addiction.

replacing the dishwasher, which no longer deserved its name?

“Coasting has been easier than admitting that I’m failing. I’m sorry.”

A pristine home no longer seemed quite so aspirational.

the old adage “Happy wife, happy life” missed half the equation.

what I most needed from a work environment was the ability to generate cash for my family.

I could be honest. Brutally honest, even. Except when it came to the things that hurt the most.

I had done the right thing by being honest and direct. And now I had to live with the consequences.

felt as if his success were an indication of an unspecified failure on my part.

But if I knew one thing, it was how to keep trying. And damn it, that’s just what I was going to do.

When he wasn’t wearing the demands of everyday life all over his face, he was incredibly attractive.

Once again, I was faced with the very real possibility that I’d had far more to do with the issues in our marriage than I had ever considered.

And the more everyone expected of her, the harder it must have been to disappoint us by deviating from the image we had already bought into.

the ability to look beyond what was missing and be thankful for all that remained.