Through the Belly of the Beast (Underworld, #2)

by Apollos Thorne

Life felt more precious when it could be stripped from you at any time.

“You can’t say that you’re brooding.” Raising a brow, I asked, “Why?” “It just sounds weird. You can say that about someone else, but never about yourself. It makes you sound like a teen celebrity trying too hard to say something deep and failing terribly. Besides, the best brooding is done in silence.”

She spun and leaped from table to table as if she was a child and gravity was her plaything.

Pedicure Tired of your toenails being the bane of your very existence? Are they so hideous that a Kobold won’t even give you a second look? This little doozy of a spell is your new best friend! At low levels, it will keep your toenails shapely and polished. At mid-levels you will gain access to every shade of polish for any special occasion. At high levels, your wiggly stability appendages will become masterful works of art! Cast it often! Cast it now!

As I had suspected, each nail depicted a pitch-black pit bull with massive fangs and horns between its ears from a different angle. Smoldering flames escaped from the sides of its mouth like living drool with smoke billowing from its snout. The worst part was that the Hellhound was depicted in typical cute puppy positions. On her right big toe, the creature’s head was turned to the side with some humanoid’s arm hanging from its jaws like a chew toy. The demon pup looked like it was smiling.

“So, you’re concerned that you love your family less because you haven’t had the same emotional outbursts the others have?” I asked. “I guess,” she said, shrugging. “Is it possible that because you had so much support you are just more stable than most of us? I don’t think you love them less, I think they gave you so much love that you just have no doubt in your mind that they love you even now. In fact, the reason you spend so much time trying to help the others is because you have had excess love, something most of us never had.”

Learn to be calculated. Only be vicious when necessary, but when it is necessary, rip the throat from your enemies and let them watch you wipe their blood from your hands as they die. But be gracious when you can, because even the peoples of the Underworld can understand kindness and become your allies.

“Most of all, realize that there is more to Wisdom than stats on a character sheet. It may allow you to follow complex logic, but a moment of anger can tear down a structure that has stood for a thousand years.”

It was then that I saw what it meant to have a talent in Dexterity. Even though each of the Werewolves had 1,000 Dexterity as well, he danced around them like they were drunken overweight teddy bears. Ugly ones.

New Master, you are as powerful as you are stupid. Stop it with the stupid.”

When the rivers of blood headed my way, I didn’t know if I should run away, or dance toward them like Wolverine the Musical.