The Light to My Darkness (The Light to My Darkness #1)

by Ivy Smoak

"That smile. How can you think that you're worthless when I live and breathe each day just to see that smile."

I never wanted to do in front of my daughter. I wanted her to think I was strong. Even on the days where I felt weak.

"And I didn't want to talk to you about any of this because I didn't want you to worry about me being worried. I was trying to be strong for you. But I'm scared too. Does that help? I'm terrified every day that the baby I put inside of you is going to kill you."

"Just promise me that one day you'll tell my real story? Redeem me in some way. If that's possible."

"No. I will never fall for someone new. You're it for me, Penny. You're everything. My heart will stop beating the second that yours does."

"You're unforgettable, Penny. To me. To our daughter. To our family and friends. Nothing is going to happen to you. But don't you ever think that if it did, we'd forget you."

I truly believed that it was possible to meet someone so perfect for you that you could no longer exist without them. James was my heart. My soul. My everything.

"Only with you am I strong. Only with you am I good. Only with you am I whole."

"This is all consuming, terrifying, heart stopping love. It's the greatest kind of love." He let one of his hands fall from my cheek and he pressed it against my chest. "You put words to my own thoughts when you said that. You're my one, baby." He pressed his forehead against mine. "My everything.

He shrugged. "I want a woman who cries when I leave. Not snores and rolls over." "Someone needy? Got it." "Not needy, Penny. Just someone who needs me." "I get that."

"Your mother has the biggest heart in the world," he said. "Please don't break it. Please don't break mine. And don't come a week late like your sister. We need you to come right around your due date, alright? We're excited to meet you."

"Because life without this feeling, the feeling that you give me, isn't a life that I'm interested in at all."

James, If you're reading this, we both know what happened. I don't need to say it. And all I can say is that I understand what you're feeling. Like your heart hurts. Like you don't know if you'll ever smile again. Like the world has stopped. Like the only thing you can see for miles is darkness. You see, I almost lost you once. I know that feeling. My mother found me falling apart in a bathroom stall at the hospital. And she told me something that really stuck with me. She told me that you have to keep living in order to keep the memory of those you love alive. And I'm asking you to do that for me. Remind Scarlett of who I was. Tell stories to our son. Don't let me disappear to our children. Don't let them forget how much I loved them. Maybe that seems like the hardest thing in the world.

I need you to keep the memory of me alive to our children. But I need you to let the memories of me with you fade. Because I need you to keep your heart open. Keep loving. Keep living. I need you to let me go. All I've ever wanted was for you to be happy. And even though it feels like the world has stopped, it hasn't. Because despite what you think, there is so much light in this world. There's so much light in you. Remind Scarlett that I love her. Tell our son I wished I could have met him. And find a new love for yourself. You've always been stronger than you realized. But it's okay to lean on your family and friends. Let them help you. Let them in. Don't shut out everyone who cares about you. Because despite how it feels, you are not alone. You're strong. You're good. You're whole. You're loved. You are so loved, James. Now smile, Penny

"Because I swear I can't breathe without you. I swear my heart will stop beating when yours does. And I swear I wouldn't want it any other way. So wake up. If the threat of me ruining our family isn't enough, think about that. Our children not having either of us. Not getting to experience growing up in a house full of love and laughter. Not getting to experience everything we could give them."