Scattered Minds: The Origins and Healing of Attention Deficit Disorder

by Gabor Maté

Our immediate objective of getting the child to obey or to perform this or that task may need to be sacrificed. On the other hand, tactics needed to achieve short-term behavior goals may have to involve the weakening of the attachment. Especially in the beginning, the parent will be confronting those options regularly. The unfortunate “time-out” technique of disciplining is an archetypical example of how opting for the short-term goal can harm attachment and therefore be ruinous to the long-term objective. In “time out” the small child is sent to his room or otherwise banished from contact with the parent for varying periods of time, and is supposed thereby to learn the difference between good and bad behavior. That is not what they learn. Time out requires raising as a threat the worst nightmare a young child can have—being cut off from the parent. Whatever the parent intends, the message received by the child is If you do not do as I want you to do, if you displease me, I am quite ready to sever the relationship with you. I only want you around on my terms. Time out may achieve its immediate goal, especially with a young child already anxious about his attachment with the parent and thus inclined to please. The effect, however, is to increase the child’s anxiety and, deep down, the child’s rage as well. Anxiety will diminish the child’s capacity to develop self-regulation.