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The only #gains in my life come from binge-watching Chip and Joanna Gaines on Fixer Upper.
I’m not sure when to use it yet. Will report back.
blows shit up in the name of science.
“Wow, aren’t you the master of deduction,”
“Ian! Appreciate my gains!”
“Okay, continue. I’ll just stand here and watch.”
Sam tells me my Cheshire grin is unbecoming.
What was I supposed to do? Win with grace and aplomb?”
I justify my actions by telling myself my monetary contribution is going to charity.
She drops her phone in shock and the screen shatters. She can’t call me back. This is why I don’t tell her things.
mythical moist maidens
“Tell me what you’re doing with your hand, Sam.” “Flipping you off.”
I’ll throw a granola bar at the back of his head as he walks out the door.
I ask, sounding like a mouth breather.
“No! Nothing you do can make up for this…this deceit!”
it’s anarchy. I won’t abide lawlessness.”
We’ll revisit the topic when I’m legal.”
Oh, wait, no—that’s the fantasy talking.
I can sneak under arms and karate chop you in the kidneys—at
I resist the urge to stomp on his foot.
As Shakespeare said, Shit’s fucked, yo. No point in trying to correct it now.”
If I had a weapon within reach, she’d be dead and I’d be facing life in prison, but no worries—I’d hire NPR to do a podcast about me.
Sam tries to act strong and resilient, but she’s made of marshmallow fluff.
When I bribe, I bribe hard.”
“Yes.” I exhale. “We kidnap her.” “What? No,”
“We’ve got a Code Matrimony, all units please respond.”
“Agh! I have a cramp! Go on without me!”
Bareness is fairness.”
“Sure, but what if they come through the window?” he asks. “Good point. I’ll take the left side, you take the axe-murderer window.” I beam. Our first example of healthy conflict resolution as a married couple!
There’s even a cake that says, Happy birthday, Mary! I don’t understand the joke, but hey, cake is cake.
I’d like you looking remorseful, even if it’s just pretend.”
Then she burps and gets distracted by a piece of lint on the floor.
