Not So Nice Guy

by R.S. Grey

“Is she into chocolate?” What the fuck kind of question is that?

Are there people walking around this planet who don’t like chocolate?

“Did you take her out to the Olive Garden yet?” Why is it that all parents eventually start adding “the” before every single business name? It’s just Olive Garden.

“Let’s go get you some ice for those knees.” “Oh thank god. That tile hurts! That’s the last time I try to be sexy on a shower floor. From now on it’s a soft mattress or nothing, unless I can find those rollerblading kneepads.”

It’s completely inappropriate to bail in the middle of the school day, but there’s a protocol in place in case an emergency arises. Valid emergencies include: you’re sick, or your kid is sick, or you accidentally sext all your coworkers and you need to get the hell out of Dodge.

“You two might not know,” the rabbi says, “but a traditional Jewish wedding ceremony takes place under the chuppah, or a canopy, which symbolizes the home the new couple will build together.” We must look confused, because he continues. “So, getting married beneath the entire Milky Way might mean the two of you have quite the future ahead of you.” “Even if we aren’t Jewish?” Sam asks. He laughs. “Even then.”