Back to the Start

by Monica McCallan

It calmed her, the ability to distill life into its simplest elements, building blocks to reframe insurmountable obstacles into finite and controllable quantities. Things she could actually achieve without having a panic attack. It's how her brain helped her get through things, to find a way to make sense of the chaos.

"No secret. Just work. Find someone you care about. That you want to grow with. Make time to work on the hard stuff. Remember to enjoy the good stuff."

She missed him, but she didn't know what type of adult he would be, what kind of man he would have become. She was struck, in this moment, with a pang of sadness at never having the chance to have a relationship with him and find out.

She'd been so sure that she knew the words on the pages, memorized so long ago, that she'd never stopped to think that maybe she'd gotten them wrong, that maybe her memory had changed and morphed them over the years, the narrative fitting what she needed to be true at the time.

"Yeah, Rem. I decided to do something about it. I figured that instead of waiting for the world to bend to me, I'd forge my own path in it."

Sunsets happened every night, whether anyone was there to compliment their beauty or not. They existed, not because of some ideal they tried to attain but because it was what they had always done and would continue to do long after any human had ever gazed upon them.

I think people are too wrapped up in needing to be with someone that they lose sight of who they are, if they've ever even figured it out in the first place.

"I'm sorry I spent so long being scared. But I'm not scared anymore. I hope it's not too late because I'll spend the rest of my life missing you if that's the case."

Maybe she'd traipse around Europe for a bit and soothe her broken heart among beautifully vibrant cities that had lasted longer than any heart, broken or not. It briefly dulled the ache that had now settled in her bones, knowing that so many people had loved and lost, lived and died.