The first story has a character you care about and intense drama that builds to incredulity before being beautifully resolved. The second version is a mess. The drama is killed by revealing the father’s intent too early; there’s no attempt to share the actual experience of the kid; there are too many details included that are irrelevant to most of the audience, while other germane details like the giant waves are ignored. Worst of all, the key line that anchors the story, “Do you trust me, son?,” is lost. If you’re going to tell a story, make sure you know why you’re telling it, and try to
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