Shadow Me (Shatter Me, #4.5)

by Tahereh Mafi

So much drama in one day I can hardly keep it all straight.

Apparently Juliette has a long-lost sister. Apparently Warner tortured Juliette’s sister. Warner and Juliette broke up. Juliette ran off screaming. Warner had a panic attack. Warner’s ex-girlfriend showed up. His ex-girlfriend slapped him. Juliette got drunk. No, wait—J got drunk and she shaved her head.

I’m lonely but I’m not alone. My body works, my brain works, I’m alive. It’s a good life. I have to make a conscious effort to remember that. To choose to be happy every day. If I didn’t, I think my own pain would’ve killed me a long time ago.

“Kishimoto, if I considered other people’s mediocre standards a sufficient metric by which to measure my own accomplishments, I’d never have amounted to anything.”

—it’s crystal clear to me that this dude is not okay.

Everyone thinks I’m not supposed to give a shit—that I shouldn’t—but I do. I always do. And I give a shit about this asshole, too.

“I don’t think you do, actually. In fact, I hope you don’t. I wouldn’t want you to know how I feel right now. I wouldn’t wish that for you.”

This kid is breaking my heart.

Winston’s been in love with Brendan for a long time, but I’m the only one who knows about it.

I’m so happy for my friends. I love them, even when they piss me off. I care about them. I want their joy. But it still hurts a little when it feels like, everywhere I look, everyone seems to have someone. Everyone but me.

Instead, I’m a big, raw, bleeding heart, and I spend my days pretending not to notice that I want more. That I need more.

Maybe it sounds weird to say, but I know I could love the shit out of someone. I feel it, in my heart. This capacity to love. To be romantic and passionate. Like it’s a superpower I have. A gift, even.

She smiled. It was a happy, genuine smile. I had a feeling that smile was going to kill me.

“Shit,” I said softly. “I think I might be in love with you.” And then, with a seismic jolt of terror, sense was knocked sideways into my head. I bolted upright in my own skin. I thought I might die. I thought I might actually die of embarrassment. I wanted to. I wanted to melt into the Earth. Evaporate. Disappear.

oh, Kenji 😭

She’s squinting at something behind me. “Do you—um, do you always walk around without a shirt on?” I raise my eyebrows. “Up here? Yeah. Pretty much all the time.” She nods again. “I’ll remember that.” When I say nothing, she finally meets my eyes.

OHHHH I SHIP THEM SO MUCH!!!

“In love. You’re having trouble in your love life. Is that why you were late?” I feel the blood drain from my face. “How the hell would you know something like that?”

oh, gosh, Aaron and Kenji 😂

“You reek of it.” He nods at me, my body. “You’re practically emanating lovelorn agony.”

“Wait a second.” I frown. “Did you just give me dating advice?” Warner tilts his head. A flicker of a smile again. “I’m merely returning the favor.” I laugh, surprised. “Thanks, man. I appreciate that.”

wait?! no, biting back at each other? are they becoming...friends?

A simple, sleek buzz cut. She makes it work.

She looks at me for only a second, but it feels more like she looks through me, and something about the cold, poisonous expression in her eyes breaks my heart like nothing else.

But this—this display—is so out of character for Juliette that it must mean she’s hurting even more than I thought. More than I could’ve imagined. Like the pain has disfigured her. I would know. I know her.

Warner might murder me if he knew I felt this way, but the truth is, I know Juliette better than anyone. Better than he does.

She gets me. I give her a lot of crap for being emotional all the time, but I love how empathetic she is. I love how she feels things so deeply that sometimes even joy manages to wound her. It’s who she is. She’s all heart.

Juliette cuts him off angrily. “Listen, guys, I don’t care about your personal dramas. I have a massive headache and a million things to do today, and I’d like to get started.” Ha. Of course. Juliette has a hangover.

KENJI ✋🏼😭

“Sí, Madam Supreme,” Valentina says. (I know the word sí. It means yes. I’m not a complete idiot.)

i'm WHEEZING 😂😂😂

I want to ask him why he kept all this from me. I want to demand an explanation. But for some reason, I can’t bring myself to do it. Not yet, anyway. I think maybe I’m afraid to hear the answers to my own questions. I worry about what they might reveal about me.

They clearly have crazy chemistry. Their relationship never made a lot of sense to me—I couldn’t understand how someone like Warner could be an emotional partner to anyone, much less someone like Juliette: a girl who eats, sleeps, and breathes emotion. I rarely saw him emote anything. I worried that Juliette was giving him too much credit, that she put up with too much of his bullshit in exchange for—I don’t even know what. A sociopath with an extensive coat collection?

Their relationship makes sense. Suddenly everything she’s ever said to me about him makes sense. I still don’t think I understand Warner, but it’s obvious that something about her lights a fire in him. He looks alive when she’s in his arms. Human like

She whispers, “You promise?” “Hey.” I hold out my hand. “Come here, kid.” She still seems a little skeptical, but she takes the necessary steps forward and I reel her in, pulling her against my chest and squeezing tight. She’s so tiny. Like a little bird with hollow bones. You’d never know she was technically invincible. That she could probably melt the skin off my face if she wanted to. I squeeze a little tighter, run a hand up and down her back in a comforting, familiar gesture, and I feel her finally relax. I feel the exact moment when the tension leaves her body, when she collapses fully against my chest. Her tears soak through my shirt, hot and unrelenting.

Maybe Nazeera’s big secret is that she’s actually here to help us. Maybe there’s nothing to be afraid of. Maybe the woman is just perfect.

awww Kenji 🤭

There should be a fail-safe in the universe somewhere, something that automatically shuts down in the event of extreme human stupidity. Maybe an emergency lever. A button, even.

Honestly, the ridiculousness of this whole thing would almost be funny if I didn’t think we were all probably going to die. What a day.

Because it’s not the pain that’s unendurable. It’s the hopelessness. It’s the hopelessness that makes you reckless.

Instead, he picked up the photo album in my lap and told me about his own family. It was the first time I’d ever seen him cry.

awww Castle!

“Nah. But don’t worry, it’s an invisible cat.” Nazeera tries and fails to force back a laugh. She coughs, hard. Haider looks at her, confused, and I watch for the moment he realizes I’ve been screwing with him.

oh this is so funny 😂

Sonya and Sara—and then I remember. I remember. I know this girl. I look up, panicked, and scream, “Juliette, DON’T—” But she’s already lost control.

I hear the murmur of the crowd grow into a roar, I know I have no choice. I have to go.