When marriages break down, it’s because one or both partners feels unknown and misunderstood. When people feel unknown or misunderstood, they minimize and excuse their own failings: “Okay, I’m screwed up, but you don’t see and understand me!” They shift the blame onto the other person and reinforce their own worst traits. Marital love is a seeing love. John Gottman, the dean of marriage scholars, grasped the essence: “Happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this I mean mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company. These couples tend to know each other intimately—they are
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