Parent Yourself Again: Love Yourself the Way You Have Always Wanted to Be Loved (Self-Compassion Book 3)

by Yong Kang Chan

“I started running away when I was five years old. It wasn't until I was an adult that I realized what I really wanted was somebody to come after me when I was running away.” — WILLIE AAMES

When we were children, we believed that when we grew up we would have the power and freedom to make our own choices and do whatever we wanted. But now, as adults, how many of us are still letting our parents’ opinions influence our decisions and affect how we feel? How many of us are still playing the child role in relation to them? You can leave your parents but it will not resolve your problems.

Part of me resented them for not being supportive. I wanted them to love me the way I wanted them to love me. I wanted them to be supportive, understanding, and empathetic.

we will focus on two aspects of the mind: the inner child and the inner parent. In this book, we will explore how to reconcile them so they can work together as a team. This concept is somewhat similar to the Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, which has three main parts: exiles, managers, and firefighters. However, I’m not a trained therapist and will not be using the IFS framework here.

“For in every adult there dwells the child that was, and in every child there lies the adult that will be.” — JOHN CONNOLLY, THE BOOK OF LOST

But when I told my mom what I was going to do, she told me not to stir up trouble and ruin the relationship I had with the class monitor. As a child, I was taught to empathize with others, but also to be accommodating and not create conflict. But sadly, this meant I also grew up believing that the needs of other people were more important than mine. Now, as an adult, I find it hard to assert myself and get my own needs met.

I learned that even though I have a very different personality from my parents, the way I treat my inner child is no different than how my parents treated me. I have unconsciously adopted some beliefs and habits from my parents. It’s as though they continue to live within me.

Our inner child stores our memories and emotional pain, just as a child would. Most of us can only recall important events in our childhood. The inner child tends to be pushed aside when we grow up and develop our identity as an adult. However, the unresolved hurtful feelings that we have carried since childhood still reside in our memories and body, whether we are aware of them or not.

The inner parent is a subpersonality that resembles our parents. You might have realized that a lot of your self-talk, whether it’s praise or criticism, is just a replay from your father or mother, or both. Your inner child carries wounds from your childhood, and your inner parent stores rules about what you are supposed or not supposed to do. Its function is to protect and nurture your inner child.

When our parents are people pleasers and they are unable to satisfy their own needs, we learn to disregard our needs, too. We are not taught to stand up for our rights and ask for help when we need it. We look up to our parents for guidance, but sometimes what they teach us is not beneficial, but rather only rules and rituals passed down by our ancestors through the generations. For example, when parents tell their children not to cry and not feel angry, they are not acknowledging the children’s feelings and teaching them how to manage their emotions. Many of us learn to protect ourselves by suppressing or denying our emotions and our inner child. But this only results in more conflict between the inner child and the inner parent. It can also result in health problems.

Neither subpersonality is correct.

To maintain inner peace, it’s important to reconcile these two different perspectives. You can’t force or push either of them aside. Otherwise, one of them will be unhappy. This is what your true self, the spiritual self, the source of love, is here to do — observe both sides and be the neutral party. I would probably still pick up the part-time job at my ex-company, but I would have at least stopped and listened to my inner child’s point of view and understand how “he” feels. It’s not enough to just heal the inner child. Our inner parent has to change, too. It needs to learn how to properly protect and nurture the inner child and take care of the inner child’s needs. When our inner parent fails to perform its responsibilities, our inner child will continue to be exposed to events that trigger hurt feelings, and we will end up acting unconsciously because of these feelings, just like a child.

Shane is one of my students and he has no motivation to study. After talking with him for a few weeks, I realized he has an inner conflict. Part of him (the inner parent) wants to study and follow his parents’ wishes, but there is also a part of him (the inner child) that wants to rebel and not do well on his examinations. His inner conflict resembles the conflict he has with his parents. Shane is an active child and he has ADHD. He has a flair for sports, especially basketball. But his mom wants him to study hard and work in an office. Shane has no motivation to study because getting good grades means that he will end up in administrative office work, something he doesn’t want. This isn’t the first time he has felt this way. Previously, he didn’t do too well in his primary school examinations, but his parents forced him to get into a better program even though his score barely qualified him for the better program. Shane told me that he regrets doing so well on his exams. He said that if he had gotten one or two marks lower, he wouldn’t have to face so much pressure now. In his mind, he has all the reasons necessary to sabotage himself. If he fails his examination, his parents will not be able to force him to work in the office and he will get to do what he wants. Hence, he chooses to not pay attention in class and makes no effort to study. You might think it’s silly for Shane to think this way. But he wasn’t aware that a part of him was sabotaging his effort until we talk...

Just like our parents, our inner parent knows or thinks it knows what is good for us, but often the inner child sabotages our efforts secretly when its needs are not met or acknowledged, and its pain and suffering are not dealt with. Knowing that the inner parent will not approve of their actions, the inner child acts discreetly through our subconscious without being caught by the inner parent. This is exactly how young children evade punishment when getting their desires met. They do it when the parents are not noticing. Once in a while, we might experience an unusual outburst of anger, and we are shocked by it. We love someone and we know the person loves us, but somehow we feel that we can’t commit to the relationship or trust the person. We procrastinate and resist doing whatever is expected of us, but we don’t understand why we feel so unmotivated. Even a simple task that we know we are capable of completing can cause us to feel unreasonably anxious and fearful. If this is happening in your life, you might want to examine whether your inner child is secretly working in the background to sabotage your efforts. It doesn’t need to be in the seat of your consciousness to get what it wants.

it’s undeniable that the way our parents view us can affect our self-perception to a certain extent. When you were a child and your parents kept repeating the same things to you— and you didn’t have someone to check their opinions against —it is quite likely that you will accept your parents’ point of view. The inner child stores and accumulates negative self-beliefs, which are then used as reasons to support self-sabotage.

The Power Imbalance No matter how loving your parents are toward you, there will always be an imbalance in power, unlike in other relationships such as friendships and intimate relationships where both parties can have an equal standing. The moment you are born, your parents are in a more superior position than you. You might have the best parents in the world, but you are still dependent. You must listen to and follow your parents for survival. Even if they don’t assert their superiority, you will continue to see them as authority figures and ask them for permission in almost every aspect of your life. Most parents assert their superiority over their children whether it’s intentional or not, especially when it comes to knowledge.

All children feel powerless to a certain degree. Sometimes, my students tell me that it’s pointless to talk to their parents because they are never going to listen. When we were children, we didn’t get many opportunities to express our viewpoints and feelings, and sometimes when we did, we were ignored. Our parents couldn’t provide us with everything we desired and we had no power to get what we desired on our own. Other than pleading with our parents and winning their favor, there’s nothing much we could have done. Many of us felt so powerless during childhood that we eventually gave up trying. Furthermore, if you have parents who believe they are always right— and who are over-identified with their role of being a parent and the power they have over their children — you might feel even more powerless and subjugated. When your parents tell you what to do all the time, you don’t have much freedom to do what you truly desire. If you disobey them, they might feel angry or sad and this makes you feel afraid or guilty. Your growth is stifled,

Ideally, parents should adjust their parenting style as their children grow and change. Dealing with an infant is different than dealing with a five-year-old, and relating to a teen is different than relating to a child who has become an adult. But most parents treat their adult children like they are still young. They are so used to taking care of their children’s needs and dictating their actions that it has become a habit. They never give their children a chance to be adults, let alone perceive them as equals.

If you have a friend who is twenty or thirty years older than you, they don’t tell you what to do. They are not disappointed when you don’t listen to their advice. Perhaps in some Asian countries, they might. But even if they do, you don’t feel a need to obey them. They have no power over you unless they are your superiors at work. But the relationship between our parents and us is different. We are overly identified as their children, and they are overly identified as our parents. We have grown from being dependent to independent, so you would expect the adult-child relationship to evolve into an adult-adult relationship. But no, it doesn’t. Our parents still want us to be dependent on them, consciously or unconsciously. In a way, there is some pride attached to being a parent and someone who knows more than their children. Many parents find it difficult to accept that their children have grown up and are capable of making their own decisions. Acceptance could mean the loss of power, control, and the feeling of worthiness that can be derived from being needed and depended on. For parents who see their children as an extension of themselves, they might feel as though they have lost one of their possessions or control over a part of themselves that they value. It’s even worse for sick and aging parents because they are forced to depend on their children and this really hurts the ego.

We are partly responsible for this power imbalance because we continue to play the role of a child with our parents. Some of us continue to ask for their approval, even though we get a lot of affirmations from other sources. When I was quitting my first job as an auditor, I remember how desperately I sought my parents’ blessings and approval. I was so used to letting them make decisions on my behalf that I felt stuck and trapped when they didn’t support my decision to quit.

When you assign responsibility for your life to someone else, you are giving away your power.

First, you understand what you need the most, and you are the best one who can understand your inner child’s deepest desires. If your parents understood your needs when you were a child, and they knew how to satisfy those needs, they probably would have done so already. My parents are not in touch with their own emotions and, therefore, they can’t help me fulfill the emotional connection that my inner child desires. Only I can. It’s my job to understand the different emotions and triggers of my inner child. Who can do it for me if I can’t even do that for my inner child?

Second, if you keep depending on your parents to satisfy your needs, you are not allowing your inner parent to grow. When I was working in Malaysia for six months, being separated from my parents was a good learning experience. Working overseas helped me learn how to be more responsible and take care of myself. I had to source my own food, do my laundry, pay the electric bills, and all the little things my parents did for me that I had taken for granted. When you are with your parents, you naturally play the role of the child, and your parents naturally play their roles as parents. You don’t get to fully experience what is it like to be an adult and develop adult skills.

The role of your inner parent is different from your social role. One thing to note is not to confuse your inner parent’s role with your social role. Some parents take their work roles home with them and are unable to separate their role at home from their role at work. The parent of one of my students asked me for a weekly report on her child’s behavior. I had to rate the child on a scale from one to ten. Doesn’t this sound very much like doing an annual appraisal in a company? My dad is a supervisor at work and also at home. He doesn’t realize that we are not his subordinates and we don’t enjoy being monitored by him.

Are you overprotective of your inner child, or not protective enough? Is your inner parent overprotective like an inner critic, constantly judging what you do and controlling your actions? Or does it allow your inner child to run wild and dictate what you do? Sometimes, it can be both. We swing between these two extremes from time to time. When we feel like we have punished our inner child too harshly, we let loose and allow it to indulge in leisure activities. Then, when we realize that the inner child is having too much fun, our inner parent steps in to enforce some limits.

Overprotection includes protecting things that do not need to be protected; for example: emotions. Negative emotions such as sorrow and anger might feel unpleasant and overwhelming but they will not destroy us. Overprotecting yourself from emotions makes the nurturing job of your inner parent much harder. The nurturing role is all about validating the feelings of your inner child. If you block your emotions completely, how can the inner child express them? The key to protecting your inner child is to protect without attachment. When you are detached, you push your inner child away and avoid taking responsibility for its feelings and behaviors. When you are attached to your inner child, you cling to it and you suffer, too. It’s as though you are also a victim. But when you are not attached, you are just there with your inner child. You know how the inner child feels, but you don’t lose yourself. You are on standby mode, staying mindful and watching how the whole situation plays out and how your inner child reacts to the situation. Then you respond accordingly.

How Can Your Inner Parent Protect Your Inner Child? Protection comes in the form of guidance, structure, and discipline, rather than the avoidance of risks and harmful situations. With guidance and a consistent structure in place, your inner child can navigate the world safely and confidently. On the contrary, if the inner parent removes all risks and obstacles for the inner child, it will have to do it forever. It’s like teaching someone how to ride a bicycle. You want to encourage them and catch them if they fall. But you don’t want to hold onto the bicycle too tight while they are riding, because then they will not learn how to ride by themselves. They will always depend on you for help.

Blaming doesn’t take away the pain. It keeps the pain intact.

When you blame your parents, you are actually giving your power away. You are letting them decide if they want to accept responsibility, or not. If they are not reflective, you will end up chasing an apology that you are never going to get. To resolve your pain, most likely you will be required to end the blame game. You have to be in touch with your own anger and hurt feelings, and then let them go. If this is not possible, you will have to be the one to let go of your pride and ask for help… from your parents.

In the book, The Art of Communicating, the Buddhist monk, Thich Nhat Hanh, mentions the fourth mantra of loving speech: “I suffer, please help.”

Forgiving is not for someone else; it’s for you. You might think that by holding on to your anger, the other party is going to be punished somehow. But the only person you are punishing is yourself.

Even though accepting other people’s apologies often helps relieve them of their pain, forgiving is mostly about giving ourselves peace of mind. Holding on to your grudges is the same as holding onto suffering. It doesn’t undo your parents’ wrong actions, yet it keeps your childhood pain intact. It traps you in your past and prevents you from living in the present. It is super tiring to resent someone.

Ask your inner child: Why do you feel this way? What causes you to feel this way? What are you afraid of? What can I do for you? How can I help you feel more at peace?

Understand your parents’ intention. A long time ago, I was curious about whether my dad had the ability to be encouraging. He often points out our mistakes, discredits our successes, and can be rather critical at times. But I had never heard my dad praise and validate me, or anyone else for that matter. So one day, I asked my dad to say three positive things about me. “You are… very obedient,” my dad replied hesitantly. I thought to myself: Well, that’s not something I would consider positive, but okay I will take it. “So what’s the second positive thing about me?” I said. He took a while before he replied, “Obedient?” “Isn’t that the first positive thing you said about me?” I laughed and so did the rest of the family. Then I let him off the hook because he looked so uncomfortable. But I was still curious as to why he finds it hard to praise his children, so I asked him. “I don’t want you all to get a big head,” he said. In other words, he didn’t want us to be arrogant and conceited. I smiled. For the first time, I understood why my dad did what he did, and it wasn’t because I was not good enough for him or that he didn’t love me. Your parents might have had good intentions at heart, but they totally messed up in the follow through.

Only your parents can help you fully understand their intentions. But if they are not around anymore, or if you are on bad terms with them and it’s hard to talk with them, the next best alternative would be to talk to your siblings and relatives. Even though their perceptions might also be skewed, at least you will be able to get another perspective rather than be fixated on your own. No matter what the event, you and your siblings might have interpreted it very differently.

They are not able to see your viewpoint because they are so fixated on their own. They thought that, as your parents, they knew better than you. It’s a habit they developed when you were young and dependent on them.

It might seem that the parents’ job is to teach their children. However, the contrary is also true — children are here to teach their parents.

Furthermore, you have changed, too, and some of the perceptions you had when you were young are no longer necessary. If you behave like the child you once were, you will trigger your parents to treat you in the same way they did when you were that child.

Never treat your parents’ love for you as a nuisance, even when it is not expressed in the way you want it to be.

Days later, I was on my way to Malaysia, and both my parents and my aunt traveled with me on the bus. If I had been ten years younger, I would have felt annoyed and embarrassed to be accompanied by my parents. But now that I’m much older, I don’t mind having them follow me around because it gives them peace of mind. Now I realize that it’s just their way of expressing love.

Despite my dad’s anger and dissatisfaction with my career path, I knew he was worried about me. In his mind, Malaysia is an unsafe place to live. It has a much higher crime rate than Singapore, so before I left he kept reminding me to be careful. He even volunteered to accompany me because he felt insecure about my traveling alone. After all, he’s the lion and I’m his cub, and no one touches his cub. Even though he can be protective, controlling, and stifling at times, I am unable to be mad at him, no matter how unsupportive he is of my career. In the end, I know he cares about me. This is the beauty of parental love, and I learn to cherish it more and more as I grow older. But it wasn’t always easy. Sometimes, I felt like one of his possessions.

Realize your parents might never love you the way you have always wanted them to.

Sometimes, when I talked to my parents, I couldn’t help but think that they were more concerned about themselves than me. For example, when I was depressed because of my first job and told them it made me feel like killing myself, my mom’s first reaction was to reprimand me: “Why are you so inconsiderate? What will happen to us if you die? We spent so much time, money, and effort to raise you up, but all you can think of is dying.” My comment about suicide was a careless expression from me in the heat of the moment, and I understand how bad they must have felt to hear me say it. But what about how I feel? My emotions are also important.

I used to think that my parents didn’t care about me. Instead of acknowledging my emotions, most of the time, I have to soothe their emotions and make sure they don’t get angry or upset. It’s hard for me to have emotional and physical intimacy with others because the closest people in my life don’t want to have that kind of intimacy with me. So it’s rather confusing and uncomfortable when someone I barely know tries to be my best buddy and puts his or her arms around me.

Omygosh ohhhhhhh

three suggestions for how you can learn to accept your parents: 1. Understand what they can give and cannot give.

I know that my dad has a supervisory instinct and he doesn’t want us to get conceited, so he would never affirm or praise us. Rather than seeking approval from him or showing him how successful I am, nowadays I only go to him when I need help. This allows him to express his love toward me using actions instead of words. Also, realizing that my parents are not the kind of people who feel comfortable talking about emotions, I stopped expecting them to have deep conversations with me. Instead, I talk to my younger brother, who is more comfortable with sharing deeper thoughts and feelings, and I also have more like-minded friends who are willing to connect with me at this level.

The truth is we have too high an expectation for others. We can’t expect others to be just like us. They are not us. They don’t have the same desires and preferences as us. Instead of demanding love and attention from your parents, position yourself in such a way that you can receive their unique expression of love.

2. Change your perspective from getting to learning.

We are born into a family for a reason: growth. Most of us don’t have parents who share the same personalities and preferences as we do. We need to learn how to get along with our family members. This learning process not only helps us grow, it helps our parents grow, too. Once an ex-colleague asked me, “How can I teach my daughter mathematics? I get so impatient when she doesn’t understand simple additions and subtractions.” This ex-colleague fails to see that perhaps it’s not about teaching her daughter mathematics. It’s about learning to be more patient with her daughter. Like in my case, I was meant to challenge my dad’s insecurities, fears, and beliefs. My purpose was to encourage him to be more open-minded, trusting, and accepting. He was meant to test and develop my resilience and persistence in pursuing my dreams. We are fated to push each other’s emotional “buttons” and learn how to overcome our negativity. Your parents can help you become a better person, no matter what they did or did not do.

The worst thing you can do is to compare them with other parents. Don’t ask why other people have parents who are nurturing and supportive, but you have parents who are abusive, unreasonable, and difficult to deal with. A comparison like this will just make you feel envious and like a victim. Everyone’s lesson is different. If this is the lesson that has been given to you, it means that this is the area you need growth in, so make the best of it.