My Thoughts Exactly

by Allen Lily

When women share their stories, loudly and clearly and honestly, things begin to change – for the better.

I felt like a beating heart and pile of skin, but nothing more: nothing substantial or filled up or whole.

Looking back, this was the first example of what became my raging co-dependency. Being co-dependent means you’re addicted to being in a relationship: you cannot and will not be alone, no matter what. So, even if you are with someone who is damaging you or themselves – an alcoholic, say, or a drug addict, or someone who abuses you – you won’t leave, because however misguided, being with that person (especially such a person) makes you feel needed and loved.

For me, that car meant independence. It was a ticket to my future. It was like a partner, but more reliable. It was there waiting for me, even if it didn’t always start up very well.

Coke back then was something that older boys gave you if you were young and pretty. We couldn’t afford to buy it ourselves. But what we were really after was ecstasy.