I Hate Everyone But You

by Gaby Dunn

Your mind is a precious vessel that carries all of my most favorite thoughts and feelings. You must protect it at all costs. Do whatever you want with your body.

Not everyone hits it off immediately. I fear that I’ve ruined you for other women. I am the best. We all know that. Sometimes you have to settle.

I feel like art students are performing instead of living. And it’s not that fun to talk to a caricature of a human being.

Don’t do that. Don’t make it seem like I have to agree with everything you do in order to stay in your life. That’s not what friends are for. If you want a yes-woman, make a lot of money and buy one.

Never blame yourself for the physical failings of a man. Their infrastructure is designed for malfunction.

I hate that I am my worst self around the two people who are nicest to me.

Welcome to the climax of our argument where I find out that Jake thinks I purposefully stay on the sidelines of social events because I’m “better” than everyone. EVER HEARD OF SOCIAL ANXIETY, JAKE? Or were you not listening when I gave you a complete breakdown of my various disorders.

there is no use worrying about something that isn’t actually happening.

Who am I to think that I have anything worth saying?

The possibilities are endless when the medical community is committed to “fixing” you!

I am completely exhausted by the prospect of being me for the rest of my life.

(THE BOAT GOES QUACK! I CAN’T FUCKING WAIT!)