Dare to Lead

by Brené Brown

Choosing our own comfort over hard conversations is the epitome of privilege, and it corrodes trust and moves us away from meaningful and lasting change.

we should never underestimate the benefit to a child of having a place to belong—even one—where they can take off their armor. It can and often does change the trajectory of their life.

Get clear on whose opinions of you matter.

To love at all is to be vulnerable.1 Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.

Guilt = I did something bad. Shame = I am bad.

Our values should be so crystallized in our minds, so infallible, so precise and clear and unassailable, that they don’t feel like a choice—they are simply a definition of who we are in our lives. In those hard moments, we know that we are going to pick what’s right, right now, over what is easy. Because that is integrity—choosing courage over comfort; it’s choosing what’s right over what’s fun, fast, or easy; and it’s practicing your values, not just professing them.

Who is someone who knows your values and supports your efforts to live into them? What does support from this person look like? What can you do as an act of self-compassion to support yourself in the hard work of living into your values? What are the early warning indicators or signs that you’re living outside your values? What does it feel like when you’re living into your values? How does living into your two key values shape the way you give and receive feedback?

You make yourself the center of something that has nothing to do with you out of your own fear or scarcity, only to be reminded that you’re not the axis on which the world turns. That’s not just one of the oldest maneuvers in history, it’s our brain at work. Ironically, trying to keep us safe.

Sigh

While most of us get busy sucking it up, ignoring our feelings, or taking out our emotions sideways on other people (marching into the kitchen loaded for bear), the risers are getting curious about what’s really going on so they can dig in, figure out what they are feeling, and why. It’s kinda like thinking before you talk, but it’s feeling before you swing or hide.

Calm is a superpower because it is the balm that heals one of the most prevalent workplace stressors: anxiety.

Do I have enough information to freak out about this situation? If I do have enough data, will freaking out help?

Unfortunately, the brain rewards us for a good story—one with clear good guys and bad guys—regardless of the accuracy of the story. The promise of that Aha! I’ve solved it! sensation can seduce us into shutting down the uncertainty and vulnerability that are often necessary for getting to the truth. The brain is not a big fan of ambiguous stories that leave unanswered questions and a big tangle of possibilities. The brain has no interest in Maybe I have a part or Am I blowing this out of proportion? The part of the brain that goes into protection mode likes binaries: Good guy or bad guy? Dangerous or safe? Ally or enemy?

Sigh

What makes that scary is that stories based on limited real data and plentiful imagined data, blended into a coherent, emotionally satisfying version of reality, are called conspiracy theories. Yes, we are all conspiracy theorists with our own stories, constantly filling in data gaps with our fears and insecurities.