The War with the Newts

by Karel Čapek

“Listen, demons don’t exist And if they did exist they would look like Europeans. That must have been some kind of fish you saw or something.”

2. The newt is also able to read, although only the evening paper. It takes an interest in the same subjects as the average Englishman and reacts to them in a similar way, ie. with fixed and generally accepted views. Its spiritual life – if it is possible to speak of such a thing – remains in conformity with the conceptions and opinions of our times.

It is well known that all collectors are willing to steal and murder if that is what’s needed to add a certain item to their collection, but that is not in any way a stain on their moral character.

In this way we consumed the newt whom we had come to know as Hans; Hans was an educated and intelligent animal with a special talent for scientific work; it had worked in Dr. Hinkel’s department as a laboratory assistant and could even be trusted with delicate chemical analyses. We would spend entire evenings talking with Hans who enjoyed boundless curiosity. It became unfortunately necessary to dispose of Hans after he became blind after my experiments with trepanation. Hans’s meat was dark and with a slight flavour of mushrooms, but left no unpleasant effects. There is no doubt that in the event of need arising from war it would be possible to use newt meat as a cheap substitute for beef.]