Removing Your Shame Label

by Eddie Capparucci

Guilt is an emotion we feel when we realize we have done something bad: “I should not have said that to Susan. It was wrong of me.” Guilt deals with the act we have committed.

Shame, on the other hand, takes our guilt to a deeper, more self-deprecating level. Shame attacks our inner being by hammering guilt into self-condemnation:

Shame doesn’t focus on the act committed; it focuses on you, the individual who committed it.

When we are engrossed in shame we play the destructive game of comparing ourselves to others.

For Christians like you, Tony, and me, it comes down to two key issues that keep us in painful emotional distress. And they are two of Satan’s strongest lies designed to keep us feeling trapped. Lie #1: Our “performance” is the measuring tool God uses to judge us. Therefore, we must eliminate all sin from our lives and be pure and righteous Christians. When we fail to live up to this impossible goal, our shame label grows larger due to our inability to “get it right”. Lie #2: God can never accept or love anyone who struggles and/or repeatedly engages in sin. He wants no part of us until we become “good children”.

Shame is a self-maintained barrier between us and our Lord. It limits our ability to engage in meaningful prayer, scripture reading and Christian community.

In order to keep Satan at bay, we need to move away from worldly values and make it our objective to live by God’s values. What do His values look like? Well, we need to look no further than the virtues the Apostle Paul outlines in Galatians 5:22. He called these the Fruit of the Spirit. To help ourselves stay on paths of purity, we should aim to measure all our thoughts, emotions and actions against the standards of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Any desire of the heart that doesn’t align with these virtues is one we should question and cast out if it will ultimately cause us to sin.

Removing your shame label requires breaking the Christian Shame Cycle. It means believing that you are unconditionally loved and accepted by your Heavenly Father, despite your human flaws and sinful nature.

What God asks of us is that we place our hand in His, trust Him, and begin the journey of allowing Him to transform our hearts. This is called sanctification, which is the process of becoming Christ-like. But we do not do it on our own – we need God’s Spirit.

In our haste when making a decision, we tend to lean more toward reacting based on worldly values rather than using Spiritual values. This of course often leads not only to poor behavior, but also to feelings of regret and guilt in knowing that we could have handled the situation much better. Well-known pastor and author, A.W. Tozer in his book, The Pursuit of God said, “It is not what a man does that determines whether his work is sacred or secular, it is why he does it. The motive is everything. Let a man sanctify the Lord God in his heart and he can thereafter do no common act. All he does is good and acceptable to God through Jesus Christ

In our decision-making process, there are two motives driven by our sinful nature that we use to justify most of our actions. It will allow me to indulge in self-gratification It will allow me to impress others with my self-worth

Once you have trained people to accept you because of your ability to jump through hoops, they expect you to keep jumping. Such a lifestyle can leave you feeling drained and resentful. And when the day comes that you can’t keep up, (and that day will come) you are left feeling inadequate and like a failure.

The key to making positive decisions and ensuring our motives are pure is maintaining awareness of our thinking. But more importantly is in maintaining the awareness of “God with and in us.” By staying cognitive of the fact, we are children of the living God and He wants to work through us to demonstrate His purpose and Glory. In that way we set ourselves up to make successful decisions. And in case you missed that important point I just made, let me repeat: He wants others to see His light shining through our eyes. He wants others to look with amazement when we sacrifice our time, money and talents to help those He draws to us. Not for us to get the credit, but for Him to get the credit. However, for that to happen we must be aware God is with us via the Holy Spirit.

Another way to remain aware of God’s presence is what I call “God 24/7.” With this approach, we engage with God throughout the day by taking time to reflect on Him and His promises. It may be a 15-second prayer; listening to a Christian song; reading a short Biblical verse; giving a shout of praise; admiring nature; checking in on a friend, holding a door open for someone; giving a warm-felt hug; or listening for God’s direction. The list of examples is endless. But the point is to keep God foremost in your mind throughout the day. You will find out this approach leads to decision making based on pure motives that bring a sense of warmth and peace in both good and difficult times. We make focusing on God a regular habit, instead of only engaging Him when we are looking for His help and comfort.

“If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us” (1 John 1:8).

“If you don’t have peace, it isn’t because someone took it from you; you gave it away. You cannot always control what happens to you, but you can control what happens in you.” –John Maxwell

Even King David recognized we could carry negative events that befall us in our youth with us into adulthood. “Greatly have they afflicted me from my youth, yet they have not prevailed against me. The plowers plowed upon my back; they made long their furrows” (Psalm 129:2-3, NIV). David tells of the deep scars we bear due to the abuse and neglect of those whom we may have trusted. But for many, these are not yet scars; they are open wounds that are yet to be dressed and healed. These wounds remain sensitive and still ooze. The results of our wounds show themselves in different ways through destructive thought patterns and behaviors. Worse yet, the poor behaviors that result from our wounds often spill out onto new, innocent victims.

Bad memory flow is when negative events from the past play like a loop in your head, haunting you time and time again. Traumatic events we think we put behind us long ago continue to pop in our minds unexpectedly, causing us anxiety and regret. What’s happening? The brain is attempting to take these negative events and create a scenario in which the victim is empowered. However, due to the intensity of the emotional pain the victim experienced, he or she doesn’t have the ability to create a reasonable perspective or understanding of what happened. Thus, the haunting trauma plays again and again. These memories lead victims to seek distractions from the anxiety and stress by acting out through unhealthy behaviors. Worse yet, these troubling thoughts continue churning and working to keep the victim in a perpetual state of victimhood.

So how do you begin processing past, pent-up trauma? Knowing the severity of the trauma and its negative effect on your current life should help you determine whether to attempt to process this on your own or to seek the help of a competent mental health professional. If you elect to try on your own, I recommend a book entitled Making Peace with Your Past by H. Norman Wright. It is filled with exercises to gently help you walk through the process. However, if you start working alone, be sure you have a safety valve to draw upon to give yourself much-needed breaks. That safety valve can be a trusted friend, support group, pastor, or even hobby that can re-energize you after completing a work session. And if you find the process to be more difficult than you thought, please find a Christian counselor who specializes in treating trauma.

If we do not remove our shame label, it will continue to paralyze us and negatively impact all aspects of our lives.

One of the most effective means of overcoming shame is to talk about it. By telling our painful stories repeatedly, we lessen the negative impact they have on us. In turn, we become desensitized to them. Soon, we find they no longer have a death grip on us; instead, we control them.

We also want to develop what I call “pillars”. Pillars are the supporting elements of our self-esteem and provide us with a foundation we can turn to justify our worth. Pillars consist of key attributes about our personality and character. For example, in creating pillars, you may point out the following traits about yourself: honest, smart, dependable, flexible, devoted, and modest. And you’ll want to add accomplishments such as: graduated from college, raising three children, caregiver to ailing father before his death, blog writer. Once you’ve completed your pillars, place it somewhere so you can review it every day. Note this is a living document and you can add to it as new pillars are formed. If you are struggling to come up with a list, reach out to friends and family asking them to provide insight on how they perceive your strengths.

One of the most effective ways to learn to forgive is to develop empathy towards those who hurt us. Dietrich Bonhoeffer once said, “We must learn to regard people less in the light of what they do or omit to do, and more in the light of what they suffered.” Bonhoeffer was speaking of those individuals who did not give us what we needed as children (safety, security, affirmation, attention) or who gave us what we didn’t need (abuse or neglect). In either circumstance, when we can start to look at these individuals with different eyes (the eyes and heart of Christ) and understand the reasons behind their actions, (their brokenness) we can start to develop empathy for them, which in turn will help free us to forgive them.

“You are not stuck where you are unless you decide to be.” –Wayne W. Dyer

The Christian life is like a running stream that is pure, cool, and refreshing. It is forever moving, allowing the rocks in its path to help keep it clear and fresh. And as it moves, it spills over onto the banks bringing life to things around it. When we are stuck, we are like a puddle of water. That puddle sits still and eventually will become dirty and toxic. Over time, it will dry up. As Christians, if we elect to be puddles of water our growth in Christ will be nonexistent. We will feel isolated, alone and eventually, we will shrivel up and quit. However, if we manage our life like a continuously moving stream, we will find God playing an active role in all aspects of our lives. This is the path of sanctification, and when we stay on it – even in times when we feel like getting off – we will continue being transformed into Christ’s image.

The God Answer to Moving Forward What does that movement look like? In a word – love. Loving God more. Loving others more. And loving ourselves less. The more we allow ourselves to love and be loved, the further we will move in our walk that leads us closer to God. It is also a shame remover. When we are focused on giving and receiving love, there is no place for shame. It can’t exist with love. Movement also is about the on-going change that occurs in a person’s thinking, attitude and behaviors. The reality of this transforming change is seen as our focus shifts from “inward” to “outward”. We find ourselves more concerned with others and how we can make a difference in their lives. Our selfishness begins to fade.

Christian author John Maxwell says this about Spiritual growth, “If we are growing we are always outside our comfort zone”.

In her book, “You’re Not Crazy – You’re Codependent”, Jeanette Elisabeth Menter points out “people pleasers are created by the emotional abuse or neglect they suffered in the form of withholding love and affection. They lack confidence in their ability to maintain strong relationships with others based on who they are as individuals. Instead, they feel they must constantly be performing acts of service to others to gain acceptance. That requires a lot of work, effort, and energy. It is a lifestyle that eventually leads to resentment and burnout”.

Chip Ingram is the senior pastor at Venture Christian Church in Los Gatos, CA and leads a ministry called Living on the Edge. In this small group study entitled, Balancing Life’s Demands, he outlines what he believes is the optimal approach Christians should take in determining priorities. They are: God Spouse Children Work Ministry According to Ingram, having the right priorities allows us to live life without becoming overwhelmed. Balance is everything in life. Too much of anything is never good for us. This also applies to the priorities we set in life. Too much work leads to poor relationships. Too much commitment to our children leads to a drifting apart between husband and wife. Too much emphasis on ministry work could result in poor financial issues.

The French philosopher Blaise Pascal is quoted as saying, “All men’s miseries derive from not being able to sit in a quiet room alone”.

Well-known psychologist Albert Ellis came up with an interesting and helpful method for aiding us in better understanding our dysfunctional thinking. Entitled, “Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy” (REBT), this approach is an action-oriented psychotherapy that teaches individuals to identify, challenge, and replace their self-defeating thoughts and beliefs with healthier thoughts that promote emotional well-being.

Part of this approach includes what Ellis referred to as the “ABCs” of dysfunctional thinking. “A” is the activating event; “B” is our belief of the event; and “C” is the consequence of the event. Ellis theorized that it is not “A” or even “C” that causes irrational thinking but instead, “B” our beliefs of the event. Look at some of these examples of A-B-C thinking.

Our perceptions and beliefs about circumstances, people, and events in our lives can lead to an endless flow of irrational beliefs that can result in poor emotional responses and intensified shame. While we can’t control all “activating events” that take place in our lives, we do have control over our beliefs about those events.

In his book, “Could It Be This Simple” Dr. Timothy Jennings, says this about emotionally-based thinking. “When feelings are allowed to control the will, it will always lead to destruction. Reflect a moment on your life and consider your 10 most regrettable actions – what you wish you could undo or wish you’d never done. How many were based on feelings?”

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind; and, Love your neighbor as yourself.” (Luke 10:27 NIV)

When we are emotionally charged in our thought process, we tend to be more reactive than responsive. In being reactive, we simply act. It is a “Ready, Fire, Aim” approach. But when we are responsive, we first give thought to the circumstances we are facing and evaluate the pros and cons before taking action. It is more of a “Ready, Ready, Aim, Aim, Fire” approach. It’s about slowing things down. When we engage our cognitive thinking skills, we utilize the frontal cortex of our brain. When we engage in emotionally-reactive thinking, our thoughts are influenced more by the limbic system of the brain, which regulates our emotional state.

The center of our world should be set aside only for God.

Shame-filled pride also hinders our relationship with God by requiring us to put ourselves before others. In his book It’s Not About Me, Max Lucado describes what occurs when we are driven to focus numero uno. “Self-promotion. Self-preservation. Self-centeredness,” writes Lucado. “It’s all about me! They all told us it was, didn’t they? Weren’t we urged to look out for number one? Find our place in the sun? Make a name for ourselves? We thought self-celebration would make us happy. But what chaos this philosophy creates.” Shame-filled pride kills relationships. And that’s a problem because God is all about cultivating meaningful relationships. The individual with a shame-filled pride demeanor takes the approach he doesn’t need others except to receive their praises and accolades. This individual is not concerned with the welfare of his neighbors. He is not interested in resolving social issues or concerns. He is focused on getting his needs and desires met.

Instead of living in fear of one day losing everything, I now realize God’s Spiritual gifts empower me to make a real difference in the lives of others. With these new gifts, I have begun to experience a profound peace about where God is leading my life. My concern no longer focuses on achieving or accumulating. God’s gifts have moved my focus from acquiring more for me to providing more for others. We need to focus more on giving and less on receiving.

Christian maturity is a life-long journey. And it is important to realize the path to Christian maturity will never be complete during our time in this world. As long as we inhabit these sinful bodies, it is not possible to be fully righteous in our walk with God. Our Christian maturity will only be complete upon our face-to-face meeting with Him. “Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when He appears, we shall be like Him, for we shall see Him as He is. Everyone who has this hope in Him purifies himself, just as He is pure.” (1 John 3:2–3, NIV) What we will be, has not yet been made known. We need to ponder those words carefully when we are flogging ourselves because we believe we are inadequate; that we don’t measure up; or we are unlovable. Those negative self-descriptions have been accumulated over the years by destructive events and unsafe people who tore us down and trampled on our self-worth. Many of us spend our entire lives carrying those garbage bags, never shedding the shame labels and allowing them to keep us from achieving our full potential in Christ.

“My life has been filled with calamities, some of which actually happened.” –Mark Twain

A solid cure for worry is turning our focus outward and putting our trust where it belongs – in the hands of God. Instead of allowing worry to dominate our lives, we instead should be turning to Jesus to guide us. Be in prayer on a consistent basis, asking for His strength and love. Seek wisdom from Him that can help you sort through and determine areas that you have influence over, versus those you do not. Those things in which you have influence, prayerfully act. For those elements you do not have influence over, hand them over to Jesus and ask Him for wisdom and strength to endure.

“If you had a person in your life treating you the way you treat yourself, you would have gotten rid of them a long time ago,” is how Cheri Huber, author of “There is Nothing Wrong with You: Going Beyond Self-Hate” describes self-loathing individuals.

As we discussed in Chapter 2, our sense of significance, which means “I am valued, wanted and accepted,” can be delivered on a consistent basis through only one source – God. God loves you unconditionally and always will. His love for you never changes. “For great is His love toward us, and the faithfulness of the LORD endures forever. Praise the LORD” (Psalm 117:2 NIV) Remember this – you are the prince or princess of a King. Now, doesn’t that make you feel special?

“If you can’t do great things, Mother Teresa used to say, do little things with great love. If you can’t do them with great love, do them with a little love. If you can’t do them with a little love, do them anyway.” –John Ortberg