For Real (Spires, #3)

by Alexis Hall

It’s this sheer crazy gratitude and wanting to pay it forward. Backwards. Pay it somewhere.

“The right time to come, darling, is when you want to come.”

If this is my consolation prize for totally ruining my life, I’m pretty fucking consoled.

I’m not going to raise them like that. Believing the shape of their world is the only shape for the world to be.

“I want to give him everything, and the things I can’t give, I want him to take.”

In the rush to console him for my carelessness, I’d stumbled over a piece of truth that was fundamental to me, held so deep in my heart I’d forgotten it was there. On instinct alone, I’d tried to give it to Toby, and instead given it back to myself. It’s not what you do, it’s what it means.

Laurie isn’t saying anything. I try to catch his eye, and when I do, he mouths, Who are you? at me. I mouth back, Yours.

And though I would surely mourn the passing of my own parents, our relationship was one of form and custom, love through duty, and complete mutual incomprehension.

“You grieve and you remember and you live.”

“There’s no normal in grief.”

How the fuck am I supposed to be his prince when I’m just a pauper?

All couples argue. It was something you learned over time how to do without destroying everything. How to navigate each other’s anger and pain. But I’d somehow forgotten how . . . how searing it could be, and how easily vulnerability to love became vulnerability to hurt.

It wasn’t that he was immature—simply that he was young. His experiences and expectations of life were shaped differently to mine, but that didn’t mean they were inferior or misguided.

And I feel this . . . crack, right in my heart. For a moment, I can’t breathe. But then I can. And I realise my heart is okay. It always was. Because love is strong. Stronger than death.

“You’re not a loser, Toby. You’re just lost. And it’s okay to be lost.”

I’m starting to think you should always push your luck. No, you can deal with. Don’t know is the most frightening thing of all.