For Real (Spires, #3)

by Alexis Hall

“Dude,” he went on, “it’s fine. We’re not in the eighteenth century. I’m not going to, like, catch a chill and die on a chaise longue.” “I could put them through the tumble dryer, if you want?” He scowled. “Look, I didn’t want your whore taxi, and I don’t want your pity tumble drying, either.” “Actually, it’s a guilt tumble drying.”

I put everything down on the bedside table and perch next to him. I’ve never tried to wake someone up . . . like romantically before. I’ve no idea how. “Uh . . . good morning . . . Hi.” Yeah, that probably wouldn’t have woken a napping mouse.

I crawl fully onto the bed and straddle him. It’s not exactly something I’ve had much practice at. In my head, it’s all graceful and natural and I sort of swing myself over like a cowboy into the saddle. But, basically, I kind of scrabble and then plop but, hey, it gets the job done.

“Dude, there is like a middle ground between kidnapping someone and making them feel like they’re completely unimportant to you. Did you not maybe consider saying, ‘Hey, Tobes, why don’t we not never see each other again?’”

I deserved a little happiness. A little peace. “All right.” Toby’s eyes flared like twin stars. “Then congratulations, Mr. Laurence Dalziel, consultant in emergency and prehospital medicine, on your acquisition of one slightly used, but otherwise prime condition Tobermory Finch.”

“This is where you reassure me that you don’t have some trauma to avenge upon my not-particularly-reluctant flesh.” His eyes flew wide. “God no. I want to hurt you because I love you.”

“Dude, someday, you are going to stop being the Somme and be . . . like . . . Zanzibar.” “Um, I’ll last thirty-eight minutes?” “You’ll just stop fighting.”

I gasp. “Dude, you don’t use the c-word as an insult.” “Colonial? What else do you call Yanks with delusions of grandeur?”

“Toby . . . I can’t . . . I don’t want you . . . Look, you have to promise you won’t . . . give me to anyone.” His mouth dropped open. “You’re not a box of After Eight mints.”