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January 23 - February 3, 2025
FOREWORD By Professor Rupert Delgado, MBE I’m rather afraid to say that I do not know the author to whom you refer, since I seldom look at the television, but these samples you have sent me are an absolute disgrace. I shall not be contributing a foreword to this book and I am happy for you to quote me on that. Never contact me again.
In those early days, there were no women at all, only men, like on the repeats of Have I Got News? on Dave.
Plus you can have sex with yourself anyway, using a wank, and then you get to nod off afterwards without any awkward conversation, so God wasn’t into that at all. Why should he be?
Alfred of Great was the greatest king England ever had, and we know that because he boasted about his own greatness in his name, like the Notorious B.I.G. or Tom and Barbara Good.
Despite his bold Vrexit, and his restoration of the city of London, and his legal reforms, and his beefing up the navy and all his many other achievements, Alfred is most famous for not helping with some burnt cakes. In that respect, he was very much the Sue Perkins of his day.
Cunk is my exact sense of humour lmao
Some people say the alt right are Neo-Nazis, but they’re not, because they haven’t got uniforms or moustaches and don’t all walk at the same speed. They’re as different from the Nazis as Starburst are to Opal Fruits.
The Anglo-Saxons seemed to come from nowhere, and disappear almost straight away, yet still be all around us, like the band Texas. And they’re famous for almost nothing, like the band Texas.
They were almost completely unmemorable and ordinary and a bit boring, like the band Texas. You wouldn’t really know they were there.
the Angles went a bit odd and starting making up whatever rubbish came into their heads, and soon people were banging on about monsters, and King Arthur, and wizards and dragons. In fact, the only trustworthy written accounts we have of this time are the adventures of Bilbo Baggins.
it’s pretty clear that the Anglo-Saxons were the first ever trolls. In fact, you can bet that if the Anglo-Saxons had been on Twitter today, it would be exactly like it already is.
Everyone agrees that the worst insects are flies, and the best ones are butterflies. You can make most things better by adding butter (mashed potato, fried bread, Wotsits, etc.).
Caterpillars are like insects, except they’re more like a haunted sleeping bag.
William Beck liked this
Moths are like the BBC4 version of butterflies – a bit more boring, and mainly on at night.
One ant can carry up to 5,000 times its own weight, but the webpage I found this fact on didn’t say which ant.
The most magical and mysterious of all the insects is the bee. Bees turn flowers into honey by rubbing their legs on the flowers and then going into a little house. It’s not clear how they do it. It could be a trick, because it’s all done behind closed doors, which is a bit suspicious.
Think about it Is it possible that the bees just buy honey from the shops? Maybe they all swarm together into a human shape and then get inside a long coat so nobody knows it’s them and go down Asda. They then probably hide the honey in the little house, so no one can see the jars, and bring some of it out when a human comes to see if they’ve turned the flowers into honey by rubbing their legs on them (which is quite an unlikely story when you think about it).
You can’t trust snails. They’re just slugs disguised as the seaside.
Tigers are the ones who look like an orange barcode with teeth. They live in India and Russia and Chessington World of Adventures and eat deer, buffaloes and Frosties.
Then, in the year 9/11, two aeroplanes bumped into some tall glass buildings because they couldn’t see them, and some people started to wonder whether tall buildings were such a good idea at all.
By the time renowned author Dan Brown cracked the Da Vinci Code it was too late and the helicopter had been invented already and even Noel Edmonds had one, so it wasn’t such a big deal.
There used to be nine planets in the solero system, but scientists recently found out they’d made a cock-up and one of them, Pluto, was not a planet after all, but Mickey Mouse’s dog.
Famous Australians include Skippy the Bush Kangaroo, Dannii Minogue and Adolf Hitler. Even though Hitler was king of Germany, he was actually not born in Germany at all, but Australia, in a small town on the German-Australian border. He said it was really important to know where people come from, but that just proves that it isn’t.
But before there was everything, there was nothing. Empty. Timeless. Without motion. Or energy. Or hope. Like parts of Plymouth.
The Black Death was a plague. Not a metaphorical plague like a metaphorical plague, but an actual plague – made of plague.
Like Brexit, the Black Death split the country in two.
It’s hard to conceive of a Britain decimated like that: half of everyone dead. Imagine every Christmas watching repeats of the And Wise Christmas Special. Imagine The Proclaimer. Imagine Torville. Imagine Bake Off without Sue, rather than without Mel and Sue. Imagine the Krankie. Imagine Edward (Jedward without John). Imagine Gregg Wallace on his own in a half empty kitchen with just the forks and none of the knives.
This is already dated with the Gregg Wallace and P Diddy references
Black holes are infinitely dense, which means they’re even tougher than Dime bars. If you tried to eat a black hole, you might break a tooth, which would be disastrous but an interesting story to put on Facebook.
The best-selling book of all time is The Bible, by God. Other big books include 50 Shades of Great Expectations by C. L. Dickings and The Complete Works of Shakespeare by Francis Bacon. Other important books include Jamie Oliver’s Superfood Family Classics, My Story by Fern Britton, Jamie Oliver’s Food Escapes, Jamie Oliver’s BBQ Book, Fungus The Bogeyman and Jamie’s Ministry Of Food.
BAGPUSS A disabled cat who’s in charge of a sort of filthy junk shop overrun with mice.
FIREMAN SAM A show about how accident-prone the Welsh are.
GRANGE HILL Bleak, gritty series meant to make kids unhappy, like greens or exams or the dentist. And a sort of breeding-ground for EastEnders actors.
THE SIMPSONS A heartwarming show about a nice little ordinary American town where everyone has jaundice. It’s based on a true story. You can tell this because Donald Trump gets made president in one episode, although that was before he was president so it’s based on true events that haven’t happened yet, which is the closest human beings have ever come to time travel. It’s no wonder kids love it. They always want to know what happens next. They’re rubbish with surprises.
Some scientists, like Jeremy Clarkson and Donald Trump, say fossil fuels are the only way to keep the economy going, so we should use them all up as quickly as possible. But if they’re wrong and climate change is happening, we face the nightmare scenario that our grandchildren may never see a rainbow. Except in a zoo.
Why don’t polices use their TARDIS any more?
The sad story of the abuse of one such dinosaur by a vicious Victorian is famously told in the film The Elephant Man.
Doctor Who is a television programme about this eccentric man who worked for the BBC in the 60s and 70s.
The man, who is dressed in weird clothes, persuades teenagers to get into a cupboard with him by offering them Jelly Babies and fixing it for them to go on dream trips and meet famous and important people.
Some things feel like they’re going to go on for ever: love, life, the film Eyes Wide Shut – but nothing does. Everything comes to an end. And the world will come to an end one day.
Probably the biggest experts are the Jehovah’s Witnesses, who have predicted the end of the world in 1914, 1915, 1918, 1920, 1925, 1941, 1975, 1994 and 1997, so are getting really good at it. It is interesting to notice that they didn’t predict any ends of the world between 1986 and 1991, which is when the BBC ran the painting and decorating sitcom Brush Strokes.
A great fullosopher once wrote, ‘Naughty, naughty; very naughty.’ And he knew what he was talking about because, like all good fullosophers, he spent all his time thinking – but thinking about thinking.
Luckily some people in black-and-white photograph times spent their whole lives doing exactly that sort of thinking thinking, and their brains became so full that they became known as fullosophers.
Pythagoras is best known these days as the inventor of the triangle, but a world without his ideas would be unthinkable. Because there’d be no Dairylea. And you couldn’t start snooker.
Like One Direction but with better beards: Socrates; Aristotle; Plato.
Games of Throne is an epic and exciting programme on the television and computers and your phone which is based on the play King Lord of the Rings by William Shakespeare. It’s set in sort of series one Black Adder times, before dragons became extinct.
Games of Throne doesn’t just tell the story of Jon Snow off the news when he was in medieval fantastic times, it does that for loads of people. It’s mainly British actors you’ve seen in Midsomer Murders and Morse and that, but what they were doing before, when there were dragons. So it’s quite educational.
Ice Cream Accessories Most people like to pimp their ice cream with something. The most common accessory is the Flake. If you add a Flake to an ice cream (though it’s only half a Flake, actually) it’s called a 99, because no matter how many problems you’ve got, the ice cream isn’t one of them. The next most common is Sprinkles, which used to be called Hundreds And Thousands, before the EU counted them and realised there were billions in existence, but only a few dozen on every ice cream, so outlawed the term. Sauce is allowed, especially chocolate and strawberry, but mainly strawberry. Things
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Steam is what you get when you make water absolutely furious. It’s hot, unpredictable, powerful and lethal, like Mel Gibson.
Unlike Danny Dyer, Jesus never appeared in the film Run For Your Wife, or EastEnders. Instead he did the next best thing for the times. He stood on hills and told people off.
It’s hard to imagine, but centuries before the invention of radio or the channel Dave Ja Vu, and nearly two thousand years before the painting and decorating sitcom Brush Strokes, this was all there was. People came from miles around and got well into it. In a way, standing on hills and telling people off was very much the internet of its day.
Even though we all know lies are wrong, lots of people tell lies for a living: magicians, actors, Donald Trump.
