Cunk on Everything: The Encyclopedia Philomena

by Philomena Cunk

It’s sobering to realise that writing a book and not being off the television can do so much damage to our precious planet.

It’s one of the stand-out features of archaeology, that hat. It’s why if an archaeologist loses his hat, he has to dive back into the collapsing temple to rescue it, like Tony Robinson’s mate is doing all the time.

It’s a hard truth that if we want to keep our kettles and hair straighteners boiling hot, we are going to have to make friends with atoms, and not mind the occasional Godzilla. It is a small price to pay, when you think about it, not much bigger than an atom itself. But much smaller than a Godzilla.

Even though nobody likes ballet, it still exists, like yellow Quality Streets and Antiques Roadshow.

He had more updates than the Adobe Flash Player.

The main character, Jacko, was played by Karl Howman, who was, at the time, medically the most beautiful man ever to appear on television.

FIREMAN SAM A show about how accident-prone the Welsh are.

It could be Artificial Intelligence – which is when the Speak & Spells and Gameboys and Bluetooth speakers rise up and take over the Earth

Poets were the first people to notice the environment. They were like an olden days version of hippies, but more annoying.

why people have children (to become so tired that death isn’t such a big surprise)

It’s a pity fur isn’t called something that reflects its nature as all-over hair, like ‘everywhair,’

Obviously, like everyone, I’ve memorised the important ones – 53 in a packet of Hula Hoops, 25 in a packet of Quavers, 17 in a packet of Monster Munch, 31 in a packet of Mini Cheddars and 42 in a packet of Wotsits –

The people who do medicine are doctors. Doctors live in big houses called Bedside Manors. In a place called Medical Essex.

Thanks to the NHS, you can just walk into your doctor’s and get an appointment for any illness you’re expecting to have in about two weeks.

Giving someone an anaesthetic is a bit like putting a TV on standby. It’s not on, but it’s not off.

Books weren’t pointless like they are today.

makes ISIS look like Crowded House.

Radio For is short for Radio For Clever People.

and when the ones who were left had finished coughing, they needed cheering up, so the theatres re-opened.

The phone used to be a thing for communicating with people. Now it’s for looking at and ignoring people.