Cunk on Everything: The Encyclopedia Philomena

by Philomena Cunk

Eve came second, like women usually do, but was more evolved.

Caterpillars are like insects, except they’re more like a haunted sleeping bag.

People don’t like liars, which is why most artists earn no money and eventually starve to death.

really turned eyebrows.

Australia’s chief industry is spiders.

Psychopathic drugs made Them Beatles stop singing simple songs about love and cars, and start writing about things that went a lot deeper, like submarines.

Even though nobody can see them because they’re black on a black background, scientists know black holes are there because when they ask for money to research them, nobody tells them to fuck off.

You’re holding a book in your hands right now, unless you’re not, in which case I’m sorry for making assumptions about the sort of person you are.

and a sort of Duran Duran fairy king in the family film Muppets Vs The Goblin Crotch.

That’s just shifting the blame for all the bad stuff in the world onto something that can’t fight back, because it’s only made of paper.

you have to ask the question: Are we looking at the computers or are the computers looking at us?

And even though the answer to that question is obvious, it sounds spooky.

WHAT ONE ITEM WOULD YOU SAVE IF YOUR HOUSE WAS ON FIRE? My house

Democracy means that it doesn’t matter who you are, your vote matters exactly the same: not very much.

and some are for broadband.

there’s one thing you can say about tits, it’s that they’re not for babies.

Steam is what you get when you make water absolutely furious.

Before Snapchat, hills were the most efficient way to distribute cock pics to a wide audience.

The many different languages make it much easier for humans not to understand each other, which is a great help to both arms manufacturers and racists.

‘What do you study?’ ‘Words.’ ‘Isn’t that just reading slowly?’ Yes. Yes it is.

Donald Trump has a different definition of lying from most other people, just like he has a different definition of sexual assault, or thinking, or hair. When

Thanks to the NHS, you can just walk into your doctor’s and get an appointment for any illness you’re expecting to have in about two weeks.

It’s great to see men getting in touch with their feminine side like this. Rugby must be one of the most feminine sports there is.

The sense of dread is another one that humans do best.

For example, your brain is valuable – your body might need to use it at a moment’s notice one day – so it is protected by a hard, thick skull.

Trump, Donald See Lies.