Disgrace

by Brittainy C. Cherry

“Someday, somewhere—anywhere, unfailingly, you’ll find yourself, and that, and only that, can be the happiest or bitterest hour of your life.” -Pablo Neruda

Love was a messy emotion that didn’t walk a straight line. It worked in waves and loops of ups and downs. It was a screwy emotion that could somehow still exist amidst the ultimate heartbreak and betrayal.

“Those times you feel lost and afraid and weak—those are your moments for a breakthrough. Hidden beneath those dark moments is your power. Take those weak moments and make them powerful. Make them matter, Jackson. Make them count.”

“People don’t need nice; they need the truth. I find it ridiculous that a guy has this kind of hold on you. Have some self-respect. It’s insane to give full control of your emotions to someone who doesn’t give a damn about you.”

“My parents taught me to zoom in, ya know? It’s easy to judge others from afar. It’s easy to look at someone from outside your world and make blanket statements and judgments on who those people are. Because when you see others’ flaws, you somewhat justify that your flaws are better than theirs. But when you zoom in, when you truly look at the person beside you, you’ll see many of the same things. Hope. Love. Fear. Anger. Once you zoom in, you realize we are all similar in so many ways. We all bleed red, and even monster’s hearts can break. Just gotta remember to always zoom in.”

“We were created to feel, Grace. It just so happens that sometimes our feelings come out of order. It’s amazing how one second, your heart can beat for love, and in the next, hate can sneak in. You’re not in the wrong for anything you’re feeling.”

“With prayers like that, who needs curses?”

“You said people treat you the way you treat yourself. Then why do you choose to treat yourself like a monster?” Her words pushed me, and I almost wavered. “Because that’s exactly what I am.”

“It’s a strange thing, though,” she told me. “What is?” “When my Prince Charming is the rest of the world’s Beast.”

Even when the world was dark, words in books existed. Therefore, I knew there would always be light around me even on the darkest of days.

The idea that broken things could still be good was a thought that would stay with me for a while.

“Being an almost mother isn’t a thing. You have seven children, whether they made it here or not doesn’t take away from the fact they existed. They were yours, and they were loved fully if only for those small moments. You are a mother, Grace. I am so, so sorry you were never able to hold your babies, but you are, and always will be, a mother.”

“You deserve it more than most.” “But less than you.” He somewhat grinned. “You deserve it the most.”

“No.” She shook her head. “It’s not. Falling for someone isn’t hard. It’s the easiest thing in the world. It’s all the other things that surround the fall that make it hard. But those feelings that you both feel for one another? That’s easy, and if you allow yourself to let it in, you’ll be happy that you did. But you both are allowed to figure things out on your own time.

“I will.” I placed my lips against her forehead. “And princess, can you do one thing for me?” “Of course, anything.” I combed her hair behind her ears and looked straight into those beautiful blue eyes as I spoke her way. “If you ever fall in love again, please let it be with me.”

Because love—real love—didn’t mean always holding the same beliefs. It didn’t mean we had to see eye to eye on every subject. Yet what it did mean, what real love stood for was a mutual understanding. A respect for one another’s dreams and hopes and wishes and fears.

Without all the heartbreak, I would’ve never known what love was truly supposed to feel like.