Galaxies and Oceans

by N.R. Walker

I’d been at the cabin for two days when the fire started. I hadn’t known about it because I hadn’t turned the television on, or my phone. I couldn’t see out of my left eye anyway, and the throbbing in my jaw below my right ear was enough for me to stay in the dark and quiet with the blinds drawn, hidden from the rest of the world. I hadn’t eaten. I’d gotten out of bed to vomit once, only to crawl back under the covers wishing for a different life. A different me, waiting for sleep to numb me.

But now that wall of black smoke, of fire, was coming straight toward me. And for a few minutes, I just stood there. A stark realisation occurred to me. If I stayed here, it’d all be over. I could sit on the couch, open the red wine I was never allowed to touch, raise my glass, and toast the end of my days as the fire came to greet me. It wouldn’t be a terrible way to die. Not really. No, living my life as it was was a terrible way to die.

“Oh, hi.” “Didn’t mean to scare ya.” I nodded toward the tumultuous, tumbling ocean. “She’s upset today.” He looked back out to the rough seas and gave me a quick smile. “It’s actually kinda pretty.” I scratched at my beard. “I’ve heard it called cruel, cold, rugged, hellish. The only people who call it pretty are the ones who end up staying.” He looked back out to sea and smiled.

He stared at me, his blue eyes delving into me a little deeper than I should allow. There was something there. Something familiar and warm. Needing a distraction, I took the plastic fork and stabbed the white, flaky fish. The smell was incredible and I couldn’t help but moan with the first bite. “Oh my God, that is so good.” Patrick was staring at me, his fork stopped halfway to his mouth before he blushed and squirmed a little, blinked a few times, then proceeded to eat. “Yeah. It really is.”

I wouldn’t push him, and I promised him I wouldn’t ask questions, as much as I wanted to know what brought him here or why he was so nervous and jumpy. I couldn’t imagine it was a happy story, and that spoke to me as well. Something about him made me want to know him, protect him.

“No, I’m not too busy.” I looked at the garden. “One more day won’t make a difference here, believe me.” Patrick walked over and inspected it. “Looks like a lost cause.” “Nah, it’ll come good. Just needs some TLC.” He nodded slowly. “Yeah. Like all things, I guess.” I met his gaze. I was pretty sure he was talking about me. Or maybe about himself.

He looked at me then, smiled, and shook his head. “It’s not the ocean that bends and breaks. You think those rocks down there are unmovable and a solid force because the water crashes around them, but it’s the opposite. The ocean shapes them and breaks them down. It moves them, not the other way around. The ocean is a constant force of energy. It yields for nothing.” He spoke of it with such intimacy, with such raw honesty it scared me. It scared me so much, I took hold of his gloved hand and squeezed it. He held onto mine just as tight, and neither one of us spoke.

I laughed and he pulled me up easily, and when he let go of my hand, there were barely two inches between us. I met his gaze, so close I could have kissed him, and I saw the blue fire of want in his eyes. But he blinked it away quickly and took a step back. “Uh, right. The car… this way,” he mumbled, again leading the way.

She meowed loudly at me, yelling at me for reasons only she knew of. I patted her head and gave her a scratch behind her ear, and she leaned into me, nudging my hand and purring, then she turned herself in a circle and plonked herself down for a nap. When I looked up, Patrick was standing in the kitchen with a plate in his hand, staring at her like he couldn’t believe his eyes, but not really in a good way. Like his cat sidling up to me wasn’t a good thing. “She just jumped up on me,” I said quickly. “I didn’t pick her up or anything.” He swallowed hard. “No, that’s fine. It’s just not like her. She doesn’t like people, generally.” Then he frowned. “Well…”

“I don’t know what brought you to Hadley or why you chose to come here,” he said. “But I have a feeling you’ve come to the right place.” I looked into his eyes then, not sure what to say to that, and found his eyes were glassy. “The knots we get ourselves tied into,” he murmured, “seem to unravel here.” “Did it work for you?” I asked. He stared right back at me like he wasn’t sure if he should tell me the truth, if this game of tit for tat was worth the heartache. “Two weeks ago, I would’ve said no. But now, I’m not so sure.”

I walked over to the photo of him, and my heart squeezed again. This time for a whole slew of other reasons. Loss, grief, and now guilt. “I don’t know what I’m doing,” I said to him. I could almost hear him laugh and say, “You’re navigating uncharted waters, Patrick.” I blinked back tears. “I don’t know how,” I replied. And the answer was as clear as a bell. By following the stars.

Trust the waters, Patrick. The ocean was mapped out from the stars.

someone at the door spoke. “There you are.” It was loud and unexpected, and it scared the crap out of me. But Aubrey’s reaction was the kind of fear that made my blood run cold. He almost turned himself inside out. He pushed back and pulled his legs up and threw his hands out, and his face… his face. My God, I’ll never forget the look on his face. And I thought I’d seen fear before. This wasn’t a startled fear. This was a scared-for-my-life kind of fear. Instinctively, I put myself between him and the person who spoke. Just positioned myself ever so slightly, but it didn’t go unnoticed. Because it was Collin at the door—Sergeant Collin O’Hare—and he didn’t miss a thing. “Jesus,” I said, trying to play it up a bit. “You scared the life out of us.”

“Sorry,” he whispered quickly. “I didn’t mean to react like that.” “Please don’t apologise,” I murmured. “You’ve nothing to be sorry for.” “I wasn’t expecting anyone to…” “Me either. He startled me too.” I looked around the van. “So, do you have a first aid kit?” He shook his head. “Disinfectant?” “Um.” He swallowed hard, then shivered. “How about a cup of tea?” He looked at me then with haunted eyes that made my heart squeeze. “I can make it for you.” I put my hand up and he reflexively flinched, like I was about to strike him. Oh my God.

“Come on, let’s go down and get out of this wind.” He jumped up to his feet and held his hand out to me. “We can do this another night if you like?” Patrick pulled me to my feet, bringing me close, our chests almost touching. I looked up at him, so close, so perfect. He was everything I needed: strength, warmth, and all man. It had been so long since I’d felt anything, since another man had touched me, wanted me, since I’d felt safe in strong arms. And I needed it. I needed to erase the bad with something good. So without thinking, without thinking at all, I leaned up on my toes and kissed him.

I tried not to think about finding him gone. He said he’d stay, and I hoped he would. He promised. I held my breath and opened the front door, and there he was, now sitting up a little with Tabby still perched on his lap. Relief put a smile on my face. Aubrey clearly was very adept at reading people. “You thought I’d leave.” I put the pillows and blanket on the edge of the sofa and handed him his telescope. “I did. A reflection of me, not you.”

“Can I be honest with you, Aubrey?” He paled a little and he looked away before nodding. “Yes, of course,” he whispered. “Tonight’s been confusing.” His gaze shot to mine. He clearly hadn’t expected me to say that. “I’m sorry I rushed you.” I smiled gently at him. “You didn’t rush me. You’re just making me want things I wasn’t expecting to ever want again.” “Oh.” He blushed again

I hadn’t realised how that came across. “I just thought you might be more comfortable…” He grinned at me. “Blush suits you.” I rolled my eyes and proceeded to wrap his ankle.

He chewed on his bottom lip. “Thank you. You could have kicked me out last night, but you’ve been nothing but kind.” I sat back beside him, took a deep breath and a leap of faith. “Well, I enjoy your company. And like I said last night, I hope you’ll give me another chance to maybe react better and not be so scared.” “Scared?” “Terrified.” I let out a surprised laugh at how easy that just came out of my mouth without thinking.

“Waiting to dating, huh?” Now it was me who blushed. “I didn’t exactly mean dating…” He shrugged. “It’s not off the table, Aubrey. Just need to mentally get through the waiting part.”

He was quiet, and when I looked over at him, his brow was pinched. “You left everything behind, didn’t you?” he asked quietly. I nodded. “Every single thing.” He reached over and took my hand, threading our fingers and resting our hands on his thigh. “Sometimes we have to do whatever it takes.”

As I put his change and the receipt in my wallet, Patrick saw how empty my wallet was. He saw it and glanced away quickly, but he’d seen it. I knew he had. The look on his face confirmed it.

It really was spectacular through the telescope. “It looks ethereal.” “It really does.” I looked at Aubrey then and found him watching me. His face was lit with green refractions of light. His smile was the prettiest I’d ever seen on a man. “Oh, Patrick,” he whispered. “I can’t believe it. It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.” I was stuck staring at him. “Yes, it is. You are.” I didn’t know if it was the experience of witnessing the lights with him or seeing him experience the lights. But I was done fighting it.

He leaned back and sighed, then put his other hand over mine. “You’re kind of great, you know that? And you said the same me that loves Scott is the same me that maybe wants to be with you. There’s no maybe about it. I do want to be with you.”

Instead, he pulled my bandaged ankle up onto his lap and rubbed my shin, and he studied my face for another long moment. Then he said something that I wasn’t expecting, something that changed us. “Stay.”

He fell asleep in my arms and I stared at the ceiling for a long time, listening to him breathe and to the voice of reason in my head. Tell him to stay another day, Patrick. It was strange how the voice of reason sounded a lot like Scott. Tell him to stay forever.

He kissed me again, a harder press of his lips this time but still sweet. “You don’t say too much. What you said just now was perfect. It was everything.” I smiled into his hand and kissed his palm. “This is crazy, right? This thing between us? It’s probably too fast and we’ve both got baggage and grief, but it’s real, right?”

“I wish we were naked,” I said, whispering in his ear. “I wish we bought those condoms already.” He thrust up and shuddered. “Jesus, Aubrey.” He was panting, breathless. “I bet you’d feel amazing inside me.” And he froze. I pulled back, thinking I’d said something horribly wrong, but no. His eyes were dark fire, galaxies all on their own. “Saying things like that to me will bring me undone.”

He straightened and turned, sliding his hand along my jaw. “I know it hurt to get up those stairs. You won’t admit it, and that’s okay, but please let me do this. I don’t want you to put yourself at risk of further injury.” I lightly scratched the beard at the side of his chin and met his gaze. “And if you fall? I don’t want to be the reason you get hurt.” “It’s too late,” he murmured. “I’ve already fallen.” He wasn’t talking about tumbling down those steps. Holy shit.

“What are you trying to say?” “That I’m falling for you too.” And there it was. Everything laid bare with nothing in between. Like the space between the ocean and the galaxies above it.

Watching him tonight in the lighthouse, as he searched the skies above, confirmed what I thought I already knew. The look on his face, the peace it gave him, the hope… well, it locked a little piece of him in my heart forever. And seeing him underneath me in my bed as he gave in to my touch, my pleasure, and him holding me afterwards, then being all flustered and telling me he wanted me inside him because he was falling for me too? Well, that sealed the deal. I could love again. I could live again. There was life after Scott.

I was suddenly hyper-aware that it had been a long time for me. A while for Aubrey too, but it’d been four years for me… Deep breaths, Patrick. You’ll be fine. “Shut up, this was your idea.” Scott’s rumbling laughter whispered through my mind. You know what to do. You always knew what to do. He’s in very good and capable hands, Patrick. Relax and enjoy it. “Easy for you to say,” I mumbled to the shower as I scrubbed myself for the second time.

The Southern Cross lies three kilometres out and 130 metres down. Toward the continental shelf. That storm blew them way off course. Carried them like driftwood.” “The Southern Cross?” “That was the name of the boat,” I answered. He frowned at that and made a face. “What is it, Aubrey?” His eyes filled with tears as the sun kissed his face and the ocean breeze rustled around us. “The Southern Cross is what brought me here. The constellation. I followed it, here, to this island. To you.” I blinked at this… what was it? A coincidence? A revelation? Fate? “Wow.”

We wore only T-shirts and jeans; though the breeze was cool, the sun was warm. Patrick either held my hand or put his arm around me, and we laughed at squabbling birds and we walked to the end of the island where all that lay to the south was ocean and Antarctica, his lighthouse to the north of us. And we stood there for a stretch of time we didn’t measure, he wrapped me up in his arms, and neither one of us spoke. It was a profound silence, as though he was showing the ocean he had me now, and it replied with a lick of wind and a rush of salt air. It was a defining point for us. It felt like we’d crossed a line we couldn’t return from. Didn’t want to return from.

what did Frank call you?” she asked rhetorically. “Ah, pup. That’s right. He said Patrick had been sniffing around the young pup. Figured if I found one, I’d find the other.”

He’s the one for you, Patrick, Scott’s voice said. “I know,” I whispered. You knew from the second you saw him. “I think I did.” I sighed and Aubrey snuggled in, stirring a little. I kissed his head. There was something I needed to know. “Did you bring him here?” Scott’s laughter whispered in my mind. No, Patrick. He was always going to find you. “I love him, Scott.” I know. “I love you too.”

That’s all I want. Just you and me, we can have picnics in the lighthouse, or on the rocks watching penguins, or looking at the stars. I’d be happy if we could do that forever.” I leaned and kissed him. “Are you saying picnics and stargazing is all you want to do forever?” He slow blinked and smiled serenely. “Yep.” “Here, on this island?” “I never want to be anywhere else.” I sighed. His words settled warm in my belly, in my soul. “Forever?” “Until the stars are no more.”