Galaxies and Oceans

by N.R. Walker

I wasn’t sure I’d ever feel at peace again, but by God, I could almost taste it here. And I wanted it. I wanted to find a place where I could stop running.

“I know what it’s like to need someone around who doesn’t ask questions. Because the only thing worse than having no one around, is having some well-meaning but nosy person asking all the wrong kind of questions.”

sure that was a great idea, but the warmth of his eyes and the kindness of his smile and the longing to connect with another person—especially with someone who promised not to ask questions—wouldn’t let me say no.

Grief was like the great Southern Ocean; it moved in ebbs and flows, often turbulent and rough, or peaceful and settled, and even over time when I could navigate the waters, the tide never stopped.

Stories were better told over time, anyway, when allowed to unfold only when they were ready to be written.

Something about him made me want to know him, protect him. Something in me longed to touch him, to feel him in my arms and pressed against me. Which was absurd, because I’d only just met him, and I wasn’t ready to be meeting anyone new.

Aubrey was sitting forward, leaning on one hand and holding the torch in his other, looking down beside me. He was grinning, and I wasn’t sure which sight was more spectacular. Was he a little closer to me? Or was I imagining it?

“I like the consistency of the stars. They never fail, regardless of the rotation of the earth. It’s fascinating to me that each star holds the possibilities of other worlds. Space is just so vast and dense, it makes everything else seem insignificant.”

And for a moment on that ledge beside him, when he didn’t know I was looking at him, he’d looked sad like he carried the weight of the world on his shoulders. Like he knew how much it hurt.

I realised, standing side by side with him, that he smelled nice, but most importantly, that even though he was way bigger than me, I felt totally at ease with him. He gave off a feeling of comfort and warmth that had nothing to do with the knitted sweater he was wearing.

I hadn’t wanted anyone to even look at me in what felt like forever, let alone touch me. But something inside me wanted to lean against Patrick’s chest and have him hold me. I bet those big strong arms felt like heaven…

But the only thing that sounded in my mind was his warm chuckle and his kind eyes when he smiled. And the only place I wanted to run to, was his place.

I imagined I was in bed with him. I imagined his warmth, his strong arms around me. The hair on his chest would be warm and would tickle my nose as I lay my head in the crook of his arm. But he’d wrap me up tight and rub my back, and he’d be gentle. He’d touch me like he was afraid I would break, and he’d never, ever, raise his hand in anger.

It was as though he was the personification of this coast, this ocean. He was browns, blues, and greys, just like the scenery behind him, with a spark of life in his eyes but a sadness too. A little worn, rugged, weathered, but beautiful all the same.

“It’s not the ocean that bends and breaks. You think those rocks down there are unmovable and a solid force because the water crashes around them, but it’s the opposite. The ocean shapes them and breaks them down. It moves them, not the other way around. The ocean is a constant force of energy. It yields for nothing.”

I wanted to crawl into his lap where he’d keep me safe, he’d rock me back and forth with my head on his chest, and I’d tell him all my secrets, then he’d say magical words that would fix the mess my life had become.

“The knots we get ourselves tied into,” he murmured, “seem to unravel here.” “Did it work for you?” I asked. He stared right back at me like he wasn’t sure if he should tell me the truth, if this game of tit for tat was worth the heartache. “Two weeks ago, I would’ve said no. But now, I’m not so sure.”

I wasn’t prepared to feel anything again. I wasn’t supposed to. When hearts are broken so utterly beyond repair, they’re not supposed to beat again, right? So why did my chest get all tight when I saw him? Why did I want to pull him against me to bear the weight of his troubles? Why did I want to protect him, hold him… kiss him? God, I wanted to kiss him. And that scared the hell out of me.

“I don’t know what I’m doing,” I said to him. I could almost hear him laugh and say, “You’re navigating uncharted waters, Patrick.” I blinked back tears. “I don’t know how,” I replied. And the answer was as clear as a bell. By following the stars.

Trust the waters, Patrick. The ocean was mapped out from the stars.

“Has he told you anything?” I shook my head, having already said more than I’d wanted to. “No. Not a word. But sometimes you have to listen to the silences. When things aren’t said. That’s where the truth is.”

But something inside me, something I’d thought asleep forever, had woken up. Something wonderful and terrifying. Something I wasn’t ready for.

I wanted to take him home and keep him safe, feed him, and make sure he was looked after, but I also wanted him to know that the new life he was trying to build here was okay too.

“Will it ever be the right time?” “For him and me? No.” “For anyone else?” Oh Jesus. “Three weeks ago, I would have said no, not ever.” My stomach twisted and my heart just about galloped out of my chest. “But now I’m not so sure.”

There was an ocean of warmth in him, of protection and safety, that shone like a lighthouse beacon. Like his lighthouse beacon.

looked up at him, so close, so perfect. He was everything I needed: strength, warmth, and all man. It had been so long since I’d felt anything, since another man had touched me, wanted me, since I’d felt safe in strong arms. And I needed it. I needed to erase the bad with something good. So without thinking, without thinking at all, I leaned up on my toes and kissed him.

I deserved this new life. And I deserved a chance at love. Proper love, happy love. Not controlling, possessive love, but the kind that encouraged growth and dreams. I wanted that. And I knew it was fast and crazy, but so help me, I wanted it with Patrick.

“It’s their loss, Patrick. You’re a good, good man. You deserve better than to be treated like that.” He gave me a sad smile. “You sound like Scott.” I squeezed his hand and smiled. “Scott sounds like he was a good man too.” “He was.”

“I want to kiss you,” he murmured. “But…” “But you’re not ready,” I whispered. “And that’s okay. I won’t rush you.” He closed his eyes. “I feel like I’m the one who should be saying that.” “We’re on the same page,” I amended. He stared at me, those stormy eyes raging, and he leaned in and kissed my cheek. It was so incredibly sweet and tender, it made me giddy. I was smiling like a loon.

“I can’t believe it. It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.” I was stuck staring at him. “Yes, it is. You are.”

“The southern lights are beautiful, but they’re nothing compared to you.”

My body was awake to Aubrey. My mind too. And now my heart was stirring… but there, lying in bed after kissing him, there was no guilt.

He put the box on the table and turned and cupped my face. “I’ve been waiting all day to do this,” he whispered before lifting my face to his and pressing his lips to mine.

“Do you want to kiss me, Patrick?” I asked, my voice rough. He nodded and exhaled slowly. “Do you want to lie over me, press me into the sofa?” His nostrils flared, and he nodded. “Very much.” “I want you,” I murmured. “We can take it as slow as you like. But I’d really like to feel your weight on me right now. If you want to, that is.”

“You’ll always love him. You don’t have to let him go. Don’t ever let him go, no matter what happens between us. He’s a part of you, of who you are. We should embrace that. Hell, Patrick, if he were here right now, I’d hug him and thank him. I won’t ever expect you to act as if he never existed. That’s not fair on you, or him, or me. If you catch yourself smiling at a memory of him, then I want you to tell me all about it; what he said, how he made you laugh. I don’t want you to think I’ll get jealous or sad or something, because it’s just the opposite. I want you to share the joy. Celebrate his life, ya know? I can’t have you in separate pieces, Patrick. The you that loved Scott is the same you that maybe wants to be with me. I want both versions of you, all of you. And if you have days when even thinking about him rips your heart out, then tell me. We’ll go down to the rocks and you can scream at the ocean for stealing him away.”

His face was against my chest, and when I kissed the top of his head again, he let out a comforted sigh. I realised then that I was smiling. And very sleepy. Happy and even a little contented as I welcomed peace and slumber. We fell asleep in each other’s arms and we woke up much the same.

He’d reminded me just how beautiful intimacy was, and now I craved his closeness, his touch, his warmth.

He’d told me he had feelings for me, and I could tell; it was in the way he held me and clung to me. I’d told him I felt things for him that scared me and thrilled me in equal measure, and I hoped he could tell by the gentle circles I drew on his back or by the way I kissed the top of his head.

“Stay here today, with me. And tonight if you want. We don’t have to do anything sexual if you don’t want, but I just really enjoy having you here and never realised how lonely I was.” Holy shit. Where did that come from?

He fell asleep in my arms and I stared at the ceiling for a long time, listening to him breathe and to the voice of reason in my head. Tell him to stay another day, Patrick. It was strange how the voice of reason sounded a lot like Scott. Tell him to stay forever.

I liked the way he laughed. It was a deep, rumbly sound that warmed my insides. And the way his eyes would crease at the corners and sparkle with humour.

“I don’t think we need a fire,” I said. “I’m about to combust just watching you.”

“Everything about you means comfort to me. The way you wrap your arms around me is like a blanket. Your voice is never loud or angry, just warm and safe.” I ate the bread without looking at him. I felt if he saw the vulnerability in my eyes, I’d break apart. “Kind of like I’m lost at sea and you’re the lighthouse and safe harbour. I know when I’m with you, no one can hurt me.”

“When you look at the stars, what do you see?” “Impossible possibilities,” I answered in a whisper. “Movement and stillness, incomprehensible vastness. Infinity.”

“And if you fall? I don’t want to be the reason you get hurt.” “It’s too late,” he murmured. “I’ve already fallen.”

“It sounds a bit stupid, but there’s a part of me that thinks if you have me that way, if I let you into my body, then I will belong to you. Belong with you. For as long as this thing between us lasts, I’m yours and only yours.”

“What are you trying to say?” “That I’m falling for you too.” And there it was. Everything laid bare with nothing in between. Like the space between the ocean and the galaxies above it. Unimpeded, yet completely, unbearably impossible.

I could love again. I could live again. There was life after Scott. And as I fell asleep in his arms, with him all tucked away and safe and breathing deep, I was pretty sure my life, my love was with Aubrey.

Time simply didn’t stop. It trudged on while you wandered aimlessly, helplessly, with only grief and loneliness as companions. Time mocked and ridiculed, passing slowly when you were the one left behind, and at the same time flying by so damn fast, reminding you that you were stuck. Time was a cruel beast.

But there was no thrill, no excitement in my love for Scott. It was different to what I might be feeling for Aubrey. To what I was feeling for Aubrey. Aubrey was present tense.