Hold on to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers

by Gordon Neufeld

Developmentally, children have a much greater need for a relationship with themselves than for relationships with peers. There has to emerge a separation between sense of self and inner experience (see Chapter 9). A person must gain the capacity to reflect on her thoughts and feelings, a capacity that, again, is a fruit of maturation. When someone has a relationship with herself, she can like her own company, agree and disagree with herself, approve and disapprove of herself, and so on. Often, relationships with others preempt a relationship with oneself or are attempts to fill in the vacuum where a solid relationship with the self should be. When a person isn’t comfortable with his own company, he is more likely to seek the company of others—or to become attached to entertainment technology such as television or video games.