Hold on to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers

by Gordon Neufeld

To some parents, such a way of relating feels unnatural. They fear that their children will perceive them as condoning misconduct. They believe that a failure to speak out immediately and consistently about inappropriate behavior will confuse the child and compromise their own values. Though understandable, that fear is misplaced. Confusion is rarely the issue: a child will usually know what is expected and is either unable or unwilling to deliver. The inability to deliver is usually a maturity problem; the unwillingness to deliver is usually an attachment problem. A child is much more likely to be confused not about what is valued but about his own worth and importance to the parent. This is exactly what requires clarification and affirmation. When we say to a child “That is unacceptable,” unless the attachment is secure and the connection is sound, the child will likely hear “She doesn’t like me” or “I’m not acceptable because … ,” or “I am only acceptable when …” When a child hears such a message, whether we have actually said it or not, the relationship is damaged. The very basis on which a child wants to be good for us is undermined.