Hold on to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers

by Gordon Neufeld

What are the true causes of boredom? The void that is felt in boredom is not a lack of stimulation or social activity, as is typically assumed. Children become bored when their attachment instincts are not sufficiently engaged and when their sense of self does not emerge to fill this void. It is like being in neutral, on hold, waiting for life to begin. Children who are able to feel the shape of this hole are more likely to talk about feelings of loneliness, missing, and separateness. Or alternatively, their words bespeak the lack of emergence: “I can’t think of anything to do,” “Nothing interests me right now,” “I’ve run out of ideas,” “I’m not feeling very creative.” Children not aware of this void in a vulnerable way feel listless and disconnected and talk about being bored. In other words, the hole that is usually experienced as boredom is the result of a double void of attachment and of emergence: the child is not with someone with whom he can attach and feel comfortable, and, on the other hand, he lacks sufficient curiosity and imagination to spend time creatively on his own.