Hold on to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers

by Gordon Neufeld

Trying to douse the fires of aggression in our peer-oriented children is itself an exercise in futility. Until this futility sinks in, however, and we find our own sadness about this state of affairs, we are unlikely to change our ways. We are in a dreadful predicament with our peer-oriented children. The more they become so, the more inclined they are to aggression but also the less responsive to our discipline. The more aggressive they are, the more alienated and absent we become, leaving a still greater void to be filled with their peers. Our automatic tendency, under such circumstances, is to focus our attention and efforts on the aggression rather than on the underlying issue of our children’s misdirected attachments. No matter how upsetting and alienating the problem, we cannot afford to make aggression the central focus. Our only hope of turning things around is to reclaim our children and to restore their attachment to us.