Hold on to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers

by Gordon Neufeld

The cause of Cynthia’s puzzling behavior becomes self-evident only if we picture the same scenario in the adult realm. Imagine that your spouse or lover suddenly begins to act strangely: won’t look you in the eye, rejects physical contact, speaks to you irritably in monosyllables, shuns your approaches, and avoids your company. Then imagine that you go to your friends for advice. Would they say to you, “Have you tried a time-out? Have you imposed limits and made clear what your expectations are?” It would be obvious to everyone that, in the context of adult interaction, you’re dealing not with a behavior problem but a relationship problem. And probably the first suspicion to arise would be that your partner was having an affair. What would seem so clear to us in the adult arena has us befuddled when it occurs between child and parent. Cynthia was entirely preoccupied with her peers. Her single-minded pursuit of contact with them competed with her attachment to her family. It was as if she were having an affair.