Hold on to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers

by Gordon Neufeld

Some parents may avoid giving direction in the naive belief that they have to leave room for the child to develop his own internal guides. It doesn’t work like that. Only psychological maturity can grant genuine self-determination. While it is important for their development that children be given choices appropriate to their age and maturity, parents who avoid giving direction on principle end up abdicating their parenting role. In the absence of parental direction most children will seek guidance from a substitute source, likely their peers. Managing a child who is not following our direction is difficult enough, but trying to control a child under someone else’s command is next to impossible. What was meant to replace us is not someone else giving orders but maturity—that is, a grown-up person’s own capacity to make decisions and to choose the best course of action for herself.