The Sweetest Kind of Poison

by Katie Wismer

the stories never tell you what to do when the knight who rescues you turns out to be more dangerous than the dragon he saved you from

he was everything I didn’t need disguised as everything I wanted

she was just a girl with a hard shell a soft heart and some heavy dreams in her pockets

I wanted you because I liked the idea of you wanting me my heart begged me not to be so reckless but you were too much of a thrill to resist

I guess sometimes you find someone perfect for you in every way except for the ways that matter

I’m just trying to understand how being with you can feel like heaven and hell all at once

I fell for a version of you that doesn’t exist

your lies were like drops of acid once I was touched by one it just spread and festered and burned its way through everything you had ever done

what is it called when you stay with someone who does nothing but hurt manipulate and lie to you? weakness abuse.

every time you miss him so much that you start to convince yourself maybe the abuse wasn’t so bad I want you to remember this: he doesn’t care if you’re okay he doesn’t care if you’re unhappy he doesn’t care if he hurts you he doesn’t care about you at all

sometimes happiness feels so fragile

maybe I’m just a little too good at accepting things that are just “good enough”

I just want someone to want me even after they see the shadows even if we’re not naked even if sometimes I don’t know how to want myself

you are not giving up by leaving you are choosing to love yourself more than he ever could

he was the sweetest kind of poison but poison nonetheless

it took me a long time to realize by thinking of you as everything I was allowing myself to be nothing

sometimes you just have to let yourself collapse and rebuild

you are allowed to take up space

stop comparing yourself to the filtered photographs proudly splashed across social media of course no one posts a picture of them crying alone on the bathroom floor at 2 in the morning but that doesn’t mean you’re the only one who’s done it

I may not know who I am yet but I sure as hell won’t let you tell me