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Emery always says that being alone isn’t the same thing as being lonely, but sometimes it feels like they’re exactly the same thing.
I’m probably the perfect example of a person most likely to rebel. But I hate confrontation. And disappointing people. And drawing attention to myself.
Besides, what would I do at a party? People terrify me. I’d probably spend the whole night wishing I had the superpower to make myself invisible. I don’t know how to be any other way. Having fun with lots of other people isn’t an easy thing for me to do, especially when it’s with people I don’t feel comfortable around.
Someday I’d like to feel comfortable enough around people to actually say the things I want to say. I’d like to look around and not feel like I’m the outsider. I’d like a life that just feels calm.
Emery frowns. “Honestly, you don’t understand how this works. People don’t insist on driving random people around for no reason.” I pin my eyes to the blank page. “I would. I mean, if someone needed a ride home, you know? What are you supposed to say?” “You say, ‘No. Go call a taxi like a normal person because I don’t know you.’ Some variation of that.” She shrugs. “Saying those words would cause me actual, physical pain.” “You need to work on that.” “I know.” I sigh.
Meeeeeee though
I know it’s Emery—the last person in the world who would probably be mad at me—but I still worry I might’ve upset her. Confidence is a foreign concept to me, and saying how I feel, out loud, is horribly unnatural. It sounds like I’m yelling my feelings.
Meeeeee again
Shoji shifts, turning his page roughly. He doesn’t make eye contact with me, but for some reason I get the feeling he’s worn out.
That fucker better not be touching Shoji either
I truly don't understand how their dad didn't take them with him???
He looks confused, and of course he is. Normal people don’t need to prepare for social interactions. Normal people don’t panic at the sight of strangers. Normal people don’t want to cry because the plan they’ve processed in their head is suddenly not the plan that’s going to happen.
I bite my lip because I’m worried I’m going to start crying like a weirdo. I’m not used to having to vocalize how social anxiety makes me feel. Emery was used to it—she didn’t make me explain myself.
Every time I talk to her it feels like I’m taking a test. Most of the time I fail before I even open my mouth.
Me, but with my dad :p
I don’t mean it to sound indifferent, but it does. I don’t know how to use the right emotions when I speak—I’m just not good at speaking, period.
10/10 can relate
Mom shrugs. “I don’t know why you thought that. I never even told your dad.” My stomach disintegrates. My blood drains. All that’s left is my painful heartbeat. “You didn’t tell him?”
Okay so that's why he didn't take them with him
I’ll still panic when I’m in a crowd. I’ll still question whether people mean something different from what they say. And I’ll probably always feel my heart thump when I think someone is criticizing me. But I can live with that. I accept myself.
