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“You guys are always having fun together. She’s just . . . more lovable than me, and I know that and it’s fine, but still.” I shrug. “It sucks sometimes, seeing someone spend their whole life being coddled by the only parent they share.”
It’s not fair—music was always my thing. And I didn’t mind sharing it for a while, when Lea was still learning and she needed to come to me every time she wanted to learn a new chord or get help with a new melody. But I can hear the way she strums like it’s second nature, like her guitar is merely an extension of her hands. Her soul. She doesn’t need me to teach her anything anymore. And pretty soon she’s going to realize it, and she won’t look up to me anymore either. Music is my identity. If it becomes hers, will it stop being mine?
“Until Kai said he doesn’t t’ink you’re interested in romantic relationships at all.” I freeze, my fingers forgetting to change chords for a moment. “Kai said that?” He nods like it’s not a big deal, and I guess maybe it’s not. Maybe it doesn’t have to be.
I don’t know how I identify, exactly. I know about the labels, and I guess if I was basing it off what the Internet says, I’d identify as asexual. And maybe somewhere on the aromantic spectrum, too. But I feel like I don’t fully relate to any of the labels that exist. Some of them are mostly right, but not exactly right. And the asexual and aromantic labels—they’re about attraction. They don’t explain why I’m not sure if I like kissing, or how I’m not interested in sex right now. It’s so confusing to me.”
sexuality is fluid fo’ a lot of people. I’s different fo’ everybody, and dea’s not really a right or wrong way to be. We fall into different places on a spectrum, I guess, like different colors in a rainbow.” “But, like, how are people supposed to know what they like for sure? And what if they change their mind?” “Den dey change dea’ mind.
I feel like I’m supposed to know everything right now. Everyone else always seems so put together.” “Dat’s because some people are liars.” Gareth laughs. “Dey as clueless as us; dey only bettah at pretending.”
And part of me knew it all along. Because feeling the way I feel always felt normal to me, until I realized it wasn’t what other people were doing—when I realized how sure everybody else seemed to be about their likes and dislikes. But maybe it really is okay to be unsure, and to change my mind, or to never change my mind. Maybe it’s okay to be exactly the way I am.
After that we stop off at a taco stand for a late lunch, and nobody seems to mind that we haven’t had a working cell phone since yesterday.
Hello foreboding.
“Dad never wanted you. If you had never been born, he would’ve stayed. I wouldn’t have had to grow up the way we did. I could’ve had piano lessons and summer camps and fucking pizza. But I didn’t—none of us did—because of you. And you don’t even understand what kind of sacrifice that is. Because you always had me growing up, when I needed my parents. I was a mom to you so you didn’t have to miss out, but I missed out on everything. You ruined our family—you made it so Mom and me and Dad could never be together.”
WAY fucking harsh, Rumi.
Why did I say those things? Why was I always so mad at her? Why did I never tell her how much I really loved her? How it wasn’t her fault I mothered her—I did it because I loved her and I wanted to protect her. When Dad left, I didn’t run after him—I ran to Lea.
“I’m angry because you took Mom with you. You died and you should’ve left her to be with me. To take care of me. But you took her with you anyway.
“That’s why I can’t cry. I’m too busy being mad at you and mad at Mom, because even when you stopped existing, she chose the grief of you over a life with me.
And then I feel all of it—the weight of her death, the crushing guilt, the suffocating jealousy, and the immense love I have for a sister I’ll never see again.
and that kind of love only comes around once in a lifetime. Fuck romance—Lea was the love of my life. It was beautiful and horrible and messy and angry, but it was also the purest, most innocent kind of love I’ll ever feel.
the familiar sound of Lea’s guitar filling the street like the scent of gardenias when I first landed in Hawaii.
I woke up alone abandoned in this space you left. I tried to find you and fill the hole inside my chest. I wanted you to stay; I tried to find a way, and I did. I trapped you here with all my pain. We became a monster I couldn’t explain. I needed you to stay; I had to make you stay, so I did. But the sun came up like you promised it would, and we were living in a cage cut off from the rest of the world. And I knew I had to set you free; I knew you couldn’t stay with me. It’s time. I know it’s time. So I’m singing, Good-bye, little bird, I’ll watch you fly into the blue. And when the summer
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Some people are meant to be forever, like Lea and me. And other people come into your life for a reason—you help each other figure shit out and come to terms with complicated feelings that you can’t process on your own.
