Summer Bird Blue

by Akemi Dawn Bowman

Love at our age? Pointless.

“I didn’t mean to interrupt,” she says quickly, taking a step back out of the room like she thinks I need the space. She’s given me enough of that. Doesn’t she see how much I need her?

Maybe it’s because I poured my heart out to her, and instead of comforting me she’s telling me she’d rather die to make everything better than just be my mom.

You’re the one telling me you’d rather trade places with Lea than stay here and be my mother.

I don’t feel anything like that—when I think about romance, I feel indifferent. When I see someone I think is physically attractive, I don’t picture them naked or wonder what it’s like to kiss them—I just see people who are aesthetically pleasing and could potentially make a good friend.

Is that me??

And it never used to feel like I was missing out on anything. I always felt like I was the way I’m supposed to be. But then high school started and suddenly everyone became so confident and knowledgeable about dating and sex and sexuality—and honestly? I’ve never felt more different in my entire life. I feel like the world is shouting at me to make decisions I’m not ready for.

Omg

But it doesn’t work that way. You can’t stop being a mom just because your heart is broken. There are rules. There are consequences, too.

I don’t think girls should have to smile all the time in order to make other people think they’re approachable. Maybe girls don’t want to be approachable to everybody. And anyway, smiling is basically the same thing as lying. Most of the time when people smile, they’re trying to hide what they’re really thinking.

And it should’ve been my turn to be the kid, not the parent. Not the understanding one, who accepts Mom’s excuses and sees the world through rose-tinted glasses.

Time isn’t replaceable, and you never know how much of it you have left. Why waste so much of it on dating? It doesn’t make me a late bloomer—it makes me practical.

She's speaking my language!

I need Lea. Writing isn’t the same without her. Living isn’t the same without her.

I don’t care what people at school think about me as a person, but I do care about the fact that they might have an opinion on my sexuality before I do. It feels . . . invasive. It feels like I’m being rushed.

“Your sexuality—and how you identify—is nobody else’s business. You can change your mind, or not change your mind. Those labels exist for you, and not so that everyone else can try to force you into a box. Especially if that box is their close-minded idea of fucking normal.”

I don’t know what it means to be a seventeen-year-old who doesn’t want to date. I told him I don’t know what it means to want to be around someone all the time but never want to be intimate. I told him I don’t know what it means to want a best friend that won’t date anyone else.

This was written for me.

“I know you want me to talk to Mom, but I’m not ready. I will be, maybe, but not today. Not right now,” I say. I feel her nod against my skull. “Okay. Just tell me when you’re ready.”

Omg that made my heart clench. That is an amazing aunt

“Dude, back off—breaking windows is my thing.”

Lol

To my surprise, he laughs. It sounds like a thousand cherry blossoms floating through the air in spring. Bringing his unwrapped hand to his forehead, he pushes his hair back. “I don’t hate you, hapa. I like you. In fact, I like you enough that it doesn’t matter if you don’t like me. And even though I’m really tired and in all honesty probably didn’t catch everything you said in your breakup speech”—I make a face at him, which only makes him laugh harder—“friends is fine.” He shrugs. Smiles. “I can do friends.”

That's a real man omg

Not because she wanted me to kiss him, but because she knew how much I needed a friend.

Platonic relationships are just as precious as romantic relationships

I can see the movement of his nod—the shift of shadow and moonlight. I know he’s beautiful, but just because something is beautiful doesn’t mean I want to kiss it. Someone can be beautiful and I don’t want to have a romantic relationship with them.

I am feeling things

“I know I’m not always the easiest person to be around, but I never thought Mom would actively need to get away from me. I never thought she’d find more comfort in being alone than being with me.

That hits a lil' too close to home

“That’s not an excuse. She should’ve told me. She should’ve tried harder. Because I’m not okay either. I can’t do this alone. Or at least I didn’t want to, but there was no other option for me. Because Mom never gave me one.”

I ghostwrote this

Grief is a monster—not everyone gets out alive, and those who do might only survive in pieces. But it’s a monster that can be conquered, with time.

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to say. I don’t know how to forgive her.”

“Dad never wanted you. If you had never been born, he would’ve stayed. I wouldn’t have had to grow up the way we did. I could’ve had piano lessons and summer camps and fucking pizza. But I didn’t—none of us did—because of you. And you don’t even understand what kind of sacrifice that is. Because you always had me growing up, when I needed my parents. I was a mom to you so you didn’t have to miss out, but I missed out on everything. You ruined our family—you made it so Mom and me and Dad could never be together.”

Holy shit

I’m too busy being mad at you and mad at Mom, because even when you stopped existing, she chose the grief of you over a life with me.

Fuck romance—Lea was the love of my life. It was beautiful and horrible and messy and angry, but it was also the purest, most innocent kind of love I’ll ever feel.

When I look up, Kai is smiling, the electricity turned up full force in his eyes. And I know in my heart that I’ll probably never see him again.

Omg no I'm feeling emotions

Some people are meant to be forever, like Lea and me. And other people come into your life for a reason—you help each other figure shit out and come to terms with complicated feelings that you can’t process on your own.

Maybe there’s something special in that. Something bittersweet and beautiful, all of these moments coming to an end.