Pillow Thoughts II: Healing the Heart

by Courtney Peppernell

Before we begin, I’d like to remind you of a story. Once upon a time, there was a jellyfish called You. You had been lost You had been a little unsure You tried very hard and You began to heal. Now You must remind others that sometimes hearts ache. I hate to spoil the ending But You can heal hearts.

You shouldn’t lose sleep over somebody any more than they should lose sleep over you. But you do, we all do. And we call this love.

You have every right to love your solitude Being alone doesn’t always mean you are lonely

You can’t choose which parts of her you love. Even in all the ugly moments, she should still be the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with. People are not perfect, they have flaws. You don’t get to choose which ones to leave out. That’s not honest love.

You are not more than I can handle. Even if you come with a suitcase full of insecurities, I will still want to know you. Even if there are days when you are crying and don’t believe in your worth, I will still want to hold you. I know you have struggled; so have I. I know that things are hard on you; me too. But it doesn’t change how big your heart is. I am old enough to make my own choices, and I choose you.

I bought a sweater the other day, the same color as your eyes. I started listening to your favorite band, wondering how the music made you feel. I started reading books with characters who reminded me of you. When I caught the train to the city, I wished you were there too. If this is what love feels like, I am seeing you in everything I do.

My pen could write for a thousand people But it never smiles about them the way it does for you

I just want to wear your t-shirts and wake up in your arms. I just want to kiss you over coffee and sleep in with you during rainstorms. I just want to hold your hand in the street without having to worry what people will think.

We are in that funny little stage where we are always together but some nights we are not. But I can’t stand those nights alone, because my body wrapped around the curve of your back and the sounds of your breath in the dark are now the only ways I can sleep. Tonight, we are apart, so I am awake.

We aren’t perfect, we never will be. But I love talking to you, I love telling you how I feel and having you listen to me. And I love listening to you too. All your hopes and dreams and insecurities. Because when everything fades away and our age begins to show, all we will have left is to listen. And because I love the sound of your voice and the echoes of your soul, I will listen to you for the rest of your life. Your thoughts mirror my thoughts, together, two parts of a whole.

There are things we take for granted, like fresh laundry and a window to watch the sky. There are times we see loss and pain and we question why. But I will never apologize for leaning across the passenger seat to press my lips to yours. I will never apologize for telling the world that you are what is important in my life and in my eyes. I will never apologize for starting our days with good mornings and ending them with goodbyes. I will never apologize for all the memories that we share or the lyrics we poorly sing. I will never apologize for all this love I have to give. Because it’s yours and I love you more than anything.

Maybe that’s what life is about, you wait for that person who you could listen to for hours. That person who is going to have a real conversation with you, make you laugh, make you feel a little lost when you hang up the phone.

Love isn’t always about falling in love with a person. Love is passing your final exams. Love is watching the sun come up between the clouds. Love is finding the light when you were in the dark. Love is when your favorite TV show returns. Love is when your dog tilts its head with confusion. Love is a free ice cream voucher left on your car windshield. Love is the leaves falling in the fall. Love is learning the constellations. Love is solving a ridiculous math problem. Love is the changing Starbucks menu for the seasons. Love is watching a child play in the sandbox. Love is warm clothes when they come out of the dryer. When you say you’ve given up on love, all you’re really saying is that you’ve closed your eyes. Open them.

I hope you find a love that listens to you when you need to talk. I hope you find a love that never takes you for granted. I hope you find a love that makes you feel safe. I hope you find a love that wishes for your dreams as much as you do. I hope you find a love that kisses you with such intensity, in that moment you forget how to breathe.

Sometimes heartbreak will feel light, like a feather falling from the sky. Other times it will hurt so much you’ll stand in front of the mirror and beg, why? It will come and go through chapters of your life. You will cry. You will lie awake at night hoping it will pass in the morning. And it will pass. The ache will pass with every tide and return when things have come crashing down. It is a continuous cycle, here to make you stronger.

I waited on the bridge, but you never came I waited all day for someone who I thought felt the same

My dreams were always of you but every time I closed my eyes you belonged to someone else

Just because the bruises aren’t visible doesn’t mean they aren’t there

The saddest ache you will ever know is to wake up one day and realize you have run out of time