The Library of Lost and Found

by Phaedra Patrick

Lilian shook her head. “Sometimes, Martha,” she said as she placed her hand against the restaurant door. “It’s easy to remember things differently to how they actually were.”

A hot tear trickled down her cheek and she brushed it away, angry at her own behavior. Resilience was something she’d perfected over the years, as she catered to her parents’ needs.

She hadn’t actually noticed when her parents’ needs surpassed her own, like Japanese knotweed overtaking a garden. She just focused on being helpful, a dutiful daughter. It was clear to her now, though, that she’d given up her own chance of happiness to facilitate theirs. She took her notepad out of her pocket and stared at the green ticks, amber stars and red dots. They were a constant reminder that her only worth was in helping others.

“It’s a shame we have to grow up, isn’t it? When you’re a kid, you never question if a man can really turn into a frog, or if a girl can be the size of a thimble.”

She was beginning to realize that it was impossible to remember everything about a person from the past. You formed your own idealized picture of them, rather than an accurate one.

Elderly people don’t just want to look at photos of the past, or of a nice bloody view. I want to see bright lights, and hear music, and see young people having fun. I want to remember doing it myself.”

Martha wouldn’t say their parents’ lives were wasted, but they were severely restricted. I

“Well, Mrs. La-di-da. At least I’m Martha’s real grandmother.”

Betty rested the back of her hand against her daughter’s cheek. “Don’t worry,” she whispered. “No one will ever know.” All she wanted was a quiet, secure life, for her family. All she wanted was for the turmoil to stop. And at that moment, Betty made her choice.

Siegfried didn’t speak for a while. He stared at his typewriter and shrugged with one shoulder. “It doesn’t mean they didn’t love you.” They were the most words she’d ever heard him say and, as she considered them, emotion rose in her chest. “I suppose not.” He nodded once. Martha rearranged her dressing gown. “I thought of the Pegasus, when I was in the sea. Thank you so much for saving me.”

She thought of how Siegfried followed her out of the library, after her outburst. She pictured the shopping trolley appearing outside her house with her hair slide inside it. The other touches of kindness that he’d shown her over the years were too small at the time for her to notice. They weren’t the big hits of gratitude and appreciation that she sought from others. They didn’t give her a warm glow. But now they did.

I have to find the strength to move on. Because there’s no alternative.

She decided that she wasn’t going

to focus on always trying to please others. She felt determined to take the time to get to know, and love, herself. And she hoped that the warm glow of appreciation she always looked for might ac...