Within the team, I had to make believe that I wasn’t stressed out. My nickname became the Tourist: I was always the last to arrive in the morning (just fifteen minutes after everyone else, but it didn’t go unnoticed) and I would calmly, deliberately make my coffee and toast in a way intended to telegraph that I wasn’t in the terror game like them. I was extremely careful never to cut or burn my hands, keeping them impeccable, and to appear as clean and creaseless and relaxed as possible at all times. I hoped that my calm appearance, in addition to the food that I was slowly learning to master,
...more
