The Hooligans of Kandahar: Not All War Stories are Heroic

by Joseph J. Kassabian

“You think they came out to tell us how much they like democracy?” I joked. Slim laughed and waved at the people who were gawking. “Vote Republican!” he yelled cheerfully. I shook my head at him, and he laughed some more. “What? They’re all inbred, backward farm people. Seems like the right demographic.” I laughed.

I thought the post was hilarious and clicked that stupid little “like” button at the bottom. That was all it took to get me demoted.

Afghanistan, like most tribal-based societies, has ethnic issues going back centuries. No matter how many times America tried to tell all the groups to kiss and make up, they simply would not get along. That they were working for the same government meant absolutely nothing to them.

See also: interstate football rivalry, South/North tension, racial and class conflict… Sure, dude, THE AFGHANS are "tribal."

Grandpa’s iPod blared out some awful rap version of a country song, and we all tried to forget we were almost killed by people who were supposed to be our allies.

“This sucks…Marlboro…dick!” he said with a big smile on his face. I honestly had no idea what that meant, but I thought it was hilarious and started laughing. He started laughing too, probably just as confused as I was.

I knew what we’d done was wrong, but I didn’t care. I would have shot him on the spot if I thought I could have gotten away with it. I wanted that guy to hurt. I wanted him to feel the pain that our friends felt. I wanted him to bleed for what he did. The fact that he probably had nothing to do with the attack didn’t matter to me anymore.

At night, you could see an eerie glow coming from the port-o-potties. They were lit up like disgusting candles by everyone’s laptop screens. Most people didn’t even bother plugging in headphones anymore. It became routine when you went to go take a shit to be surrounded by that flat, meat-packing sound of male self-love.

You had to lie about injuries or mental issues or your unit’s leadership would think you were just some pussy trying to milk the government for a paycheck or were trying to get out of work.

Catch 22 much