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“You’re not mine, Kens,” I gently tell her, pain I didn’t mean to show clear as day. “And that’s a problem for me.”
“We all have hard days, Kens. We all have weak moments, but you have to find your strength and reach for it.”
“Make them desperate for us and what we represent.” That’s one of his famous lines.
I don’t think he anticipated her to withdraw the way she has. In fact, I bet he figured the money would do the work he failed and keep that smile on her face. If he knew a damn thing about her, he’d have known that would never be enough for her.
“But you have to know what it meant to me, Kens.” He glances up then. “Every time you’ve ever been in my arms, from four years ago to five minutes ago, every damn time … it means something to me. You mean something to me.”
“I tried to wait you out. Hoped you’d give in to the things you wanted, but I don’t wanna wait anymore.”
Happiness is a choice. And I choose to sacrifice my own for the sake of those I love.
“Sometimes, in order to win, we do things we don’t always agree with. Things we think are wrong. But, Hero, a good defense can only do so much against a solid offense. If you’ve only got one play left in you, give it all you’ve got. He doesn’t deserve your respect.”
“Baby, get your ass off another man’s bed and back in the one I’m lying naked in.”
“That’s what you get for that real girl comment.” She shifts to stand, smiling softly at me. “Also, a man like you, honorable and just flat-out good, can’t possibly fucking lose in the end. There’s still time on the clock. Make it happen, captain.” With that, she winks and walks out.
“I still wait for the floor to fall from under me. Every day, every time Nate leaves, the entire time he’s gone, I feel tension in my chest.” She looks off. “Like I’m constantly expecting my phone to ring, and someone on the other end will tell me he’s not coming back. I hate it. Don’t know how to get rid of it.” She looks back to me, and I offer her a soft smile. “Me and you? We’re accustomed to bad shit. I think, even in the good, we’ll expect the bad.”
“Stop,” I interrupt her, and she clamps her mouth shut, frowning my way. “I don’t think whatever you’re about to say is for me to hear before Nate. You need to talk to him.”
“You.” “Me … what?” His face slowly contorts as his head draws back an inch. “Every time I think of you, I feel like I’m on the verge of a heart attack,” I admit. “My chest grows tight, and my airway swells. I get dizzy, helpless. I literally can’t breathe when it happens. Breaking into my skin helps bring me back. It’s the only control I have. It makes everything easier.”
“This is bullshit, Kenra.” He stops in front of me. “You do that when you think of me? Seriously?” His brows shoot high, and he beats on his chest. “I’m right fucking here. I’ve been right fucking here. For years. You walked away. You refused to acknowledge what I’ve basically been begging to give you.” “I know. And I’m so sorry,” I whisper, tears slipping down my cheeks. “I made choices I can’t take back—” “Why?” He crouches in front of me. “Why can’t you take them back? Why can’t you let me love you?”
“Don’t do this.” “Don’t do what?” He moves closer. “Push you? Fight for you? Fucking beg you? Because I will, and I am. For too long, I’ve sat back and waited for you to admit what I know you feel, and you refuse. Every time, you go back to him. I used to think it was me, that maybe I just wasn’t enough for you, but I know now that’s wrong. I know for a fact I can be everything you could ever need. I fucking feel it, Kenra. With everything inside me … I feel you.”
“You’re worth everything I have, Kens,” he whispers, and a small smile takes over my lips. “Everything I am is already yours; you just have to take it.”
We stare at each other a moment before he pulls me in and hugs me tight against him. And I hold on, praying I’m stronger than I believe. Hoping I’m as strong as he thinks. And knowing damn well it doesn’t matter if I am or not because, at the end of it all … I can’t be me without him.
“I’ll save you every chance I get. You fall; I fall.” She pulls back. “There won’t be a chance after this, Parker. I won’t be back. I won’t be the reason you break again.” “You leave here; I break. You don’t come back; I shatter. You live unhappy, unloved, and underappreciated, and I fucking die inside, Kenra. Please. Don’t go.”
“Tell me what’s going on and let me decide. Show me I’m worth it to you.”
I give Kenra everything I have, and she carries it with her on the way back to him. I belong to her, but she doesn’t wanna belong to me.
‘He doesn’t get to do this to you.’ I heard you. Hear me, Hero. She does not get to do this to you.”
“Because I love her. Always have and always will. Can’t shake her. As long as she comes back, I’ll be here.” “You deserve better.” Her nose turns red as she fights tears. I give her a sad smile. “I know that now. You helped me see that I should be enough. But I’m not when it comes to her, so nothing changes. I know my worth. She comes and goes, but my feelings for her stay. I can’t help it.”
I’ll never forget the look on Parker’s face the moment he realized I was leaving. There was no anger in his blue eyes, only defeat. For years now, I’ve done nothing but break down his walls, tear away his hope, and I finally succeeded at destroying his defenses.
When my mom told me she hated me, it hurt. I knew we didn’t have the same type of relationship most other kids had with their parents. I knew I could hardly stand her as much as she seemed to only tolerate me, but to hear her flat-out admit she hated me still hurt.
“She’s gonna be my fucking wife. She’s my family just as much, if not more now.”
I’m tied to a man I hate and can’t leave. I slept with a man I love but can’t have.
The difference though, if there is one, is that I feel remorseful. I understand the mistakes I’ve made and would go back and change so many things if I could. Not that that makes it better, but it’s all I have to go on. Kellan, on the other hand … I’m not so sure he would.
