My Squirrel Days: Tales from the Star of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt and The Office

by Ellie Kemper

It was a Friday during Lent, which for a Catholic like me means no meat, but I understood from The Baby-Sitters Club book series that California was very free-thinking (one of the Baby-Sitters, Dawn Schafer, hailed from Southern California and loved tofu and surfing at sunrise), so I decided to open my mind to new ideas and to sin.

As the autumn wore on, I found myself settling deeper and deeper into the squirrel community. I started talking less, and squeaking more.

I removed my mouth guard and spat on the carpet. I am a sports monster, I would think to myself.

My own legs have never been described as “not quitting” so much as “unusually dry,” but I knew it didn’t matter.

I woke up calm, relaxed, and ready for another nap.

My voice has not been described as “warm” or “professional-sounding” as often as it has been described as “please speak more quietly,”

I know that a lot of women wish they had just a fraction of my tendency to fart from being so nervous ease on the red carpet;

I am a natural-born shut-in who dreads leaving the couch.