I quickly learn that gay men will find me desirable only if I’m muscular. Simultaneously, I learn that it’s partly my skinniness that makes me appear gay to straight men. In both instances, my thinness amplifies my femininity, which is consistently seen as a loathsome quality that needs to be eradicated. Gaining weight becomes a miracle solution to both my problems. Consumption is a key to masculinity. In grocery stores, I observe what foods men chuck into their carts and fill mine with the same, hoping to eat my way to a body like theirs. For years, I gag down pounds of meat and gallons of
...more
